Christopher Fulton - Born Again - November 4, 2007

These pics are from Christopher's baptism. It was a beautiful day. It was different to be in a new church without Fr. Burns there. We have had a very quiet personal baptism for our children and this time we were with many other families...The deacon did a beautiful job though and the service was very well done. Christopher smiled right through his actual baptism. After the third pouring of water "and the Holy Spirit" he broke out into a full fledged GRIN!! You can see us all smiling/laughing back at him in one of the pics...He sure was happy to be born again into God's family - mom was happy too!!

Why I continue to "do" Halloween...

Why I Hate Halloween

This is the kind of garbage I HATE about Halloween... this was a house in our neighborhood and this pic doesn't even do the amount of death/gore justice. YUK!!

Raising Five

Raising Five

Sure, the road is narrow, but...

My life has been full of changes and revelations lately. Some of these have been subtle knocks on the door of my heart and others have been like a battering ram breaking down the door and then exploding in my face.

The past 4 months have been rough - extremely rough... In a nutshell I was confronted with an ideal that I thought I must be in order to achieve holiness only to realize that I could NOT live up to that ideal. What a crushing blow. How could I go on living knowing that to continue on the same path meant I must be miserably unhappy and that to change course meant failure and then again I'd be miserably unhappy.

I had to strip away all those nagging mantras from my brain - you know the kind that tell you that you MUST do this or you MUST do that in order to be what God wants you to be. I had to get back to the basics - What Lord do you want from me? What Lord do You want from me? Lord make me the woman You want me to be.

I had to try to empty myself of all my own prideful ideas and my own silly hang-ups. I had to rely on His love and mercy. I had to remember that He loves me and that He is in control. There was much crying - wailing even. Tim got more than an earful and found the whole mess confusing and frustrating to say the least. What can I say? He married a woman who is passionate and fiery and sometimes those fires burn too hot and can get out of control!!

I want, more than anything else in life, to please God. That's it. That's what drives me. At times it drives me bonkers!!! I agonize over how I should best serve Him. What would be MOST pleasing to Him?

With the arrival of Christopher I tried to be the woman I thought I should be. I was coming up short time and time again. I'd scream at the kids, I'd go a whole day without hugging Monica once, I'd have a heapful of dishes in the sink to welcome Tim home from work with, I'd not shower for 3 days, School was indefinitely on hold yet a constant nagging worry in my brain, I'd make frozen pizza for dinner for 4 days straight...Simply put I just couldn't hack it! I could not be the wife, the mother, the teacher, the woman I thought I must be and I was hating myself for failing!

With prayer and the good counsel of my new found spiritual advisor, Fr. Bill, plus a lot of wisdom and comfort provided by good ol' mom, plus many a night spent crying and hashing out the real expectations/demands vs. the imaginary ones I've formed in my own mind, I'd finally come to see how complicated I'd made things.

I decided to put the girls in school. They go to our parish's school now and they LOVE it! This means less work for me but more work for Tim. I resisted this path for a whole host of reasons. The 2 biggest stumbling blocks for me were feeling like a total failure as a "good holy catholic mother" and also shifting the burden from my shoulders to my poor overloaded husband's. School is expensive and so is the gas to drive them back and forth etc... I felt like sch a loser for "throwing in the towel" and having to have Tim pick up the pieces...

I searched and searched for an article or a blog post about this very topic. I could find nothing! I just needed to hear that there was another mom out there who made the choice to put the kids in school and still could feel like it was the very BEST thing for her family. I did NOT need any more guilt!!!! I did not need any more horror stories about the big bad world out there and how it undermines the faith and the morals we try to instill etc etc etc... I just wanted to feel like a GOOD PERSON who just happened to not want to home school any longer....did a woman like that exist? And then I found her.... Her post called Quiet Desperation was just what I needed. It's linked to in the post prior to this one cause I STILL don't know how to do that...her blog is titled Raising Five...

Somehow God got through to me. I've stopped wallowing in self-loathing despair and I've begun to feel PEACE about my chosen path in life. Ever since my re-conversion to the faith ten years ago I have been plagued by guilt and self-loathing. The more I grew to love God, the closer I was drawn into a love affair with my Jesus, the more I found myself feeling totally unworthy and second rate. Somehow I needed to strike a balance between recognizing how great God is and how unworthy I truly am, but yet how loved and special I am to Him all the same. I needed to know that yes, He has a narrow road for us to reach him. The road truly is narrow which leads to God and everlasting life. But, and that's a BIG but, there are many narrow roads.

My road is not your road and yours is not mine. God has a very specific path for each of us to follow not because He wants to play "gotcha" when we stray off and get lost, rather because He knows us so well that He has made a path that fits us precisely.

The road IS narrow but it is a road paved by the blood of Jesus just for me and no one else. I must walk this road towards my Savior and not look back, not look to my left or to my right at others with envy nor pride. I must walk forward in faith.

Jesus has a plan for me and He will make me the woman He wants me to be, if I will only let go of all of my own self-imposed crosses and just carry the ones He wants to give me.

Seein' the Love and Lovin' It!

The gang has been busy lately. Doin' chores, cause mom NEEDS the help!! Playing soccer. Going to the local "farm" for some fall fun. Most importantly lovin' up the baby!!!

Everybody LOVES Christopher!! He is fought over, cuddled, kissed, squished, and complimented incessantly! "You're the cutest baby in the world" or "I love you more than anything" are heard at least ten times a day...Nothing fills my heart with greater joy than seeing my kiddos love their fellow kiddo.

Surprisingly, the gang showed one another a remarkable amount of love and kindness on our "farm" excursion. They had spent (the bigger ones) the past 2 weeks fighting and arguing and generally being annoyed by one another. This drives me crazy! They nit pick and tease...but just when I thought it a hopeless cause they go and prove me wrong to despair!!

They all came together in the most beautiful way at the pumpkin patch/farm. It was a homeschoolers "field trip" and they'd been "pumped" about it for weeks. We arrived ready to socialize and play our guts out! The response to my children's joy and jubilation? The cold shoulder, combined with a look of fear in the eyes of the more "mild-mannered" amongst the crowd. Needless to say my kiddos were more than disappointed. They were crushed. So.......they clung to one another and loved one another in a way that made me SO PROUD!!! Mary even held Collin's hand and talked with her arch enemy (I mean brother) as they walked along hand in hand. Joy and excitement and the thrill of corn and pumpkins and places to explore were all shared between brothers and sisters. There were hugs and kisses and LOTS of HELPING each other.

THIS is the stuff that brings tears to my eyes. This is the kind of thing that makes all the mess, all the stress, and all the insanity WORTH IT!!! I was seeing my children love one another the way I'm always harping on them to love one another and I was lovin' every minute of it!!

Seeking Spiritual Counsel - Tim's Perplexed

I have been struggling with some mighty spiritual questions for about a year and half now. Losing Father Burns was devastating! He was my "go to" guy for all things personal, spiritual, and pressing. Now that he is gone I have been floundering with many things which cause me much anxiety and stress. I tend to analyze everything to death. This includes my spiritual life and how it corresponds with my vocation and my relationships with others.
I've been driving Tim crazy with all my angst and lack of peace. He can't help me sort that kind of stuff out. He just thinks I'm batty! So....I have found a priest I feel like I can go to - Thank God. I met with him for the first time Monday. Tim asked how it went etc. and I mentioned that Father asked to meet with me again on Tuesday of next week. Tim's response? "What!? does Father not have anything to do or something? Or is he just lonely and wants somebody to blab with?" I laughed out loud. I look forward to telling Father about Tim's comments. He just cannot imagine why or how I need to talk to a priest at length about my life with God. Tim's approach is so much more clear cut - "I love God. I try to do what He wants. Period." My husband the practical one in the family...God knows we need the balance...I tend to have my body in the laundry room, but my head in the clouds!!

Transgender Oprah drive me "Bloggy"

While nursing Christopher this morning I happened upon the Queen of talk - Oprah. Her show today? - transgender families - specifically a dad who wanted and subsequently has become a woman. Still married and raising the kiddos. Yet now his wife (the real woman) must wake up next to a woman (kind of) next to her each morning and the kiddos sit with two women at the breakfast table! Ah, and all of it rationalized and excused by the all important Oprah mantra of 'being "true" to yourself'.
You've got to be who you are you know. How can one be authentic and truthful in any area of life be it marriage, love, family, etc. if one is not "who" they feel they need to be...blah, blah, blah... It occurred to me at that moment of Oprah preaching her "gospel" of truth is what ever makes you feel good and "empowers" you, that we would not be so accepting of other choices in the pursuit of "truth".
Would we find it acceptable to say that my "true" identity compels me to live out in the woods with my family and fail to educate my kiddos? Would it be ok if my true identity compelled me to take on two husbands (or for a man to have 2 wives)? Would it be ok if I decided that this stay at home mom thing was not for me and that my "true" calling was to become an international journalist and fly around the world leaving my kiddos behind? Wouldn't all these things be considered selfish?
Why is it that no one ever calls these people struggling with these gender identity issues on the carpet? How about saying that as much as they may feel compelled to be a certain way or to live a certain way we CANNOT give in to these compulsions! Why? Because very simply it's SELFISH! No matter how much "HAPPIER" we might be to live as a woman when God created us a man, that "happiness" does NOT negate our responsibility to live out the commitments we made to marriage and family. Our wife took her vows to be true to a man. Our children have a right to a father and a mother. Most importantly, if we believe in God as Creator, we must recognize that our sex was determined by HIM and that he has good reasons for this.
Ultimately that's what this show came down to - Who is God? Is God, God? Or am I god? Oprah, and her guests, and her millions of adoring fans/viewers have once again recognized SELF as god. We determine truth, truth is based on "happiness" and happiness is most typically determined by the fulfillment of our most base and unenlightened needs and desires. Plainly said - when we satisfy our animal urges and then rationalize them with talk of "truth" and "inner peace" - we are saying to the world - "I am god" Period. End of story.

Happy 5th Birthday Collin!!

September 8, 2002 you were born...September 9, 2007 you recieved your best birthday gift to date! - Christopher! ... Grandma Cheryl's gifts are cool too though eh?

Christopher Fulton - 16 days old

Crab - Must Vent...

Well, I am unofficially back to blogging. It will be VERY scattered and infrequent. But, I feel like a caged animal (in this case a big ugly crab) without it! I have been a terrible CRAB lately. The crab claws only come out for Tim and the bigger kiddos and they are scarcely seen by the 2 littler ones and NEVER seen by Christopher! But by oh boy do Tim, Morgan, and Mary see 'em!

First of all I am tired and my breasts hurt. This itself isn't so bad. But add being a month and a half behind in school, in a constant state of doing laundry, and feeling pulled in a million different directions, and I suddenly turn red, ugly, and ready to "pinch" anybody who gets in my way! The girls are NOT cooperating with school. They are putting up as much resistance as possible. They'd rather be watching Scooby-Do re-runs and eating Chees-its all day long...Collin needs to be taken to and from preschool 3 days a week. The whole process of getting everybody ready to be seen in public by the ever judging eyes of those who leave their mouths agape and then say the classic "you've go your hands full" when they see us, takes at least 45 minutes in all. I feel like we are always racing yet at the same time we're stuck in slow motion! Everything takes SO LONG to do!!! There's always 5 steps to a process which if it were me alone would only demand 1 step to complete. This is the most frustrating part of it all.

Then there's soccer practices. Mon. thru Thurs. for the big 3. This past Tuesday was my first attempt at bringing all 5 with me to the soccer fields and sitting thru an entire practice. I was sweating and stressed...my eyes kept darting around looking for all my crew members and counting... 1,2,3 oh no where's 4? where's 4?...thank God there she is...where's 5? where's 5? Oh there he is in his stroller!! Gee Wiz I'm going nutty here!!! Then dealing with the small talk "chit chat" between parents (mostly moms) watching the practices - Often I blurt out some kind of remark that gets me a look like I'm from another planet. Example: Mom comes over - "So, you're Collin's mom?" - me - "yes" - "...Oh he made us laugh last week when he wanted to tell us about how you feed his little brother...he was so detailed we all had to laugh.." - me - "Ya, you know today he said the cutest thing to me, he said 'mom, I like your nursies, they're beautiful. But I think you should paint them pink 'cause that would be more fashionable' " Now I told that little story to a crowd of parents who stared back at me in shock and horror! I had momentarily forgotten where I was...I was with a group of moms who could in no way relate to my complete lack of discomfort when discussing my breasts or breastfeeding. You see after you nurse 5 children you tend to see your breasts as baby quieters and "nursies" as we call them around here. You don't laugh at your son's description of breasts being used to feed baby brother but you DO laugh at him wanting to paint them pink and think it hysterical that he would choose to use the word "fashionable" as a 5 year old boy!!! But alas, that one went over with the soccer moms like a lead balloon.

Anyhoo, I am a crab. Tim and I took Christopher to be circumcised last night. More crabbiness ensued. I did not want to do this again. Collin's suffering was enough for me. But Tim insisted. And as I always tell the kids "Daddy's the King around here and we must listen to the King" And so Christopher was circumcised. I hate it!! But he IS doing much better today already. (Tim was right about that - again) But, it did inevitably make me an even BIGGER crab! Tim gets the worst of it...

In my defense though, Tim is not the most sensitive hubby. He is a soldier by nature and so he always takes the crap life throws at him and just digs in and soldiers on. He expects the same from his wife and kids as well. We don't really "soldier" as well as he does. This can cause an awful lot of "conflict" 'round here. I become the crabby whiner wife and he becomes the insensitive jerky husband. It's not a pleasant mix! Thank God for those vows "...in good times and in bad..." I really just ant to know that Tim sees how hard this transition is for me. I want him to say occasionally how proud he is with my trying to keep it all together. Tim wants the status quo maintained and the routine to be carried on like all good soldiers must and do...I think I'd make a crappy soldier!

I know that this too will pass. As we all adjust to life as a family of 7 we will all begin to pull our weight and work together. It'll take a couple of months though...we're slow learners I guess...or just stubborn. Stubborn is probably more accurate. In the mean time we all have Christopher to enjoy and love to pieces. Thank goodness babies make all this craziness SOOOOOOO Worth IT!! We've scheduled Christopher's baptism for Nov. 4th. We've never waited that long to baptize our babies! But we just decided to join a new parish and they have the entire month of October already booked! Hopefully Christopher will still be able to fit into the gown. It is a family gown that's been passed down through the generations and ALL the babies have been baptised in it. It's on the small side because we always baptize our babies right away. Being that Chris was 8 lbs. at birth and is now already 10 lbs, I'm hoping he'll be able to squeeze into it by November 4th!! Yikes! I may have to leave it unbuttoned in the back and just "fake it for pictures...

We've asked our neighbors and good friends Don and Dawn to be the godparents. We'll keep the party small and simple. I'm looking forward to it. I always LOVE the day of my child's baptism. I tend to get VERY emotional about it. I've cried at/during every one of my kiddos' baptisms. It's such a powerful moment!! What could be better than knowing that who was just your daughter or son has now become also your sister or brother in Christ!!! WOW!! You gotta love it!! - well...baby needs to nurse again...here come the unpainted, not pink, unfashionable "nursies" little Christopher!!!!