I have been fighting off internal angst and self-loathing for as long as I can remember. Until Tim came into my life I frankly felt quite unlovable...Then came my re-conversion and my kiddos. Both of which helped me to see a greater purpose for my life and for my place in this world. I love being a mom. It was always my REAL dream as a little girl and as a young woman (although you're not allowed to express it because it's seen as under achieving) to be a wife and a mother - that's it!
So, here I am a wife and mother of five. Success! Satisfaction! Peace! Well, you'd think so eh? Not so for this woman - always reaching never quite getting there... Never quite fitting into a particular niche. My sense of humor out of place, my sense of social justice annoying to some, my convictions seen as overbearing, my quirkiness and goofiness just plain weird. But you know what? I'm getting to be ok with all that. That's me. My kiddos reap the benefits of having me as mom and yet I've accepted that there'll be a few "scars" from having me as mom as well. But they'll survive! I'm starting to accept the fact that they will turn out just fine and by the grace of GOD they'll make it to heaven, despite the fact that their mother wasn't perfect. Imagine that - an imperfect mom turning out kids who are socially well-adjusted, happy, and devoted Christians. Who knew it was possible? Until recently I didn't think it was possible. I'm starting "to let go and let God" as they say and it feels a hell of a lot better than clinging to every detail of life with a death grip and then worrying about what I could have possibly missed. Most moms suffer from this I know. Yet I seem to suffer from a slightly different kind of OCD - the spiritual kind. When other moms obsess and worry over what play group to join or what kind of shoes their kiddos need to be wearing (to be cool of course) or if their kiddos are gonna make it into a "good" college etc. - I'm having panic attacks over how well they know their catechism, if they really have a proper love of Jesus, are they truly learning and developing the right virtues to get them into the big university in the sky. So I am normal and I'm not so normal - and I'm happy to be me - for the most part!
