A Quote from the Big Sis

"I'm so bleepin' lazy I can't believe God even puts up with me." says my sister Kelly

Is she delusional? She's way too hard on herself...besides I don't think you should use the words bleepin' and God in the same sentence should you?

Humor Required

Yesterday was not such a good day. Then Dawn called. I experienced my first laughter of the day. The clouds cleared, the sky brightened, and I felt human again. She didn't intend on making me laugh. But laughter was the natural consequence of her telling me the tale of her going school supply and shoe shopping with her five children. (need I say more?) Dawn has a way of telling a story (no matter how mundane or insignificant) that will induce deep belly laughter, and occasionally laughter with tears and a need to fall on the floor.

In a nutshell. She's funny! I've found in the course of my life that this quality is mandatory in all of my closest of friends. Humor is required. I find that it is the fruit of two virtues I respect tremendously - wisdom and humility. And so we laugh together - a lot! Thanks Dawn for your humor. It makes this insanity that we both have freely chosen bearable, on those days when we look around at the chaos and laundry and mess and say to ourselves "What the heck have I gotten myself into?"

5 Things I Love About Jesus

Shelray over at Cosmos Liturgy Sex has tagged me to answer this: The 5 things you love about Jesus...here goes

1. Jesus is God made Man - WOW wrap your head around that one!!!!

2. Jesus is PERFECT. I am not. He loves me anyway.

3. Jesus really KNOWS me. He "gets" me completely.

4. Jesus is all powerful and all merciful - What a combo!!!

5. Jesus is the ultimate lover - the more you fall in love with Him and let Him love you, the more you are able to love others completely, selflessly, totally. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

"Complex" - Compliment or Curse

Tim and I in Ireland on our "pilgrimage" with the girls. (morgan 3 Mary Grace 1)

Me and Sue (a high school and college friend) getting ready to go out at SIU Carbondale

Partying with college friends on a VERY HOT summer night...










Me and my 4 kiddos on our family vacation to Virginia











Today I got a call from my brother-in-law Martin. In the course of our conversation he began his thoughts with a caveat: "Now this is not meant to hurt your feelings Kristan...but I would say that you are a complex person." In my opinion the caveat was not necessary. I took it as a compliment. Then as he went on explaining why exactly he felt "complex" was such a suitable description of me I said to him "Yes, Martin. There you have it then. That is my curse. I fit in no where, belong no where."



This led me to consider the pros and cons of this "complexity" as he described it, and as I agreed does exist in me. I live a simple life. I have a very clear and simple purpose which motivates everything I do and am - love of God. Yet, I see things, relate to things, and respond to everything and everybody around me in shades of gray that even I fail to understand completely. It is both a gift and a cross.



It is a gift to articulate very strongly held beliefs and convictions and yet love the friends and family who reject or disagree with these as well. It is a gift to see beyond my own surface, allowing me to grow closer to the God who made me. It is a gift to see beyond others surfaces as well, allowing me to regain the proper humility when it escapes me in moments of weakness. It is a gift to recognize the limitations of most liberal arguments without dismissing the good motives behind most liberal positions. It is a gift to laugh, be loud, be goofy and obnoxiously silly, and then to be quiet and contemplative and prayerful too. It is a gift to have made mistakes and fallen into the deep pits of a sinner, and now to stand on a new road with a firm resolution not to fall again and yet never forgetting the compassion required to lift a sinner from out of one of those pits. It's a been there done that sort of thing.



It is a cross to be complex in a world that demands simple labels for everybody and everything. Like it or not, with the discovery of a handful of details about me, people have me "pegged" as either a self-righteous, prudish, saint who cannot be approached, or a weird, alternative, phony who is easily dismissed. My cross is going to a home school event and being the only mom there in pants. It's getting giddy over the words of St. Augustine or Bishop Sheen, and sharing them to a less than enthusiastic audience. I actually have to restrain myself from talking about or inserting certain spiritual observations or truths into conversations. I don't want to "weird people out" - but I do. My cross is being deep in a world of superficiality - I see things that disturb me or even elate me that seem invisible to the rest of the population. It is a cross to be different and to stand out on your own. People think this separation is a sign of arrogance. If only they could see the insecurities that plague me or hear the self-loathing mantras that go on inside my head. I have a past filled with mistakes and scandalous sins which exclude me from the innocence and purity I see in many of the Catholic home schooling mothers I respect so much. At the same time the innocence and purity I aspire to leaves me in an awkward place amongst the suburban housewives I see and interact with daily.



They say some of the greatest sinners became the greatest of saints. I know why. It is because these people have been down in the low dark places their sins took them. They experienced the mercy of God. They rose to a new height. Their life after that was one of constant awe. They were in awe of God and His mercy. This awe allows you to see. You see a lot - more than the average ordinary soul I suppose. It doesn't make you "better than" your fellow man, but it does make you more "complex". In the final analysis "complex" IS both a compliment and a curse.

More Pictures from Germany

The construction continues...I can only imagine the stress that is going along with that process! There's something so rewarding yet at the same time anxiety inducing about having a home (or in this case an addition) built for you. This is your home and you want it to be done properly. The people who are working are doing a job - that's it. Why is it that they cannot see all the same details we see? At least that was Tim and my experience when we had our home built. But in the end you've got to say to yourself it's the love that fills the rooms that counts more than the perfectly aligned and neatly painted trim that frames it.
Have I said lately how much I miss my sister and brother-in-law? Oh ya I think I said it a couple of posts ago...Oh well, I'll say it again...I miss you Kelly and Martin!!!!