My thoughts on the LIE that is abortion...

This is a sensitive issue I know. I don't pretend to have ALL the answers to all the questions that arrise when this issue - abortion - comes up. What I DO know is that it is a very deceptive "choice".



I understand the deception very well for two reasons. One, because I myself am a woman who had an unplanned pregnancy at a time in my life when everything was already turbulent and confusing. Two, because I have met women who have had an abortion and I have seen their lives become filled with pain, not a solution....



This issue is one close to my heart. I love babies, yes. But I also love womanhood. Both are killed in an abortion. The big LIE is that this one choice will make all the shame and humiliation of this pregnancy go away. The shame is really what I think, personally is hardest to bear. I remember being in church with a round belly and NO RING on my hand and just weeping in the pew. I was not a "good girl". I was impulsive and irresponsible and trashy. I felt all eyes looking at me when most likely they really weren't.


But, this is how Satan works. He take our God-given sense of sin and turns it on us like a weapon. It is GOOD to feel a sense of shame when we have truly gone against God's laws. That is what beckons us to seek redemption!! Good shame is a call to seek out Jesus not a knife to be turned on oneself.


The deception lies in the promise of the removal of this shame, this burden. "If you simply rid yourself of "the evidence" your shame will disappear with it." This is the LIE he tells women. Sadly, in fear and despair many women make this choice because they feel there is no other answer. There is - Jesus. Whatever judgement or ridicule this world may put upon a woman who carries a child that is damaged, or inconvenient, or a sign of her own sinfullness. Jesus loving MERCY is so much greater!

I thank God for giving me the grace I needed at that time to persevere and push through the shame in order to break out into the other side which was all love and light! No matter what the circumstance we find ourselves in during pregnancy, at the end of it all we are left with God's greatest miracle - a newborn baby.

The twisted thing about Satan's ugly LIE is that in the end women actually don't shed their shame when they leave the clinic. They instead increase it! The scars they carry run deep and Satan loves to twist the knife in them all through their lives. They'll never remove the knife of shame he's stuck in them until they go to the Healer of Healers and ask Him to take it from them. Satan tells them that they deserve to feel the pain and shame every day and that they can never be rid of it. But, that is just another of his LIES!

Women need to know that they are victims too. Just as their baby was destroyed, so too was a part of them destroyed. Their very womanhood was taken from them along with their baby. What makes a woman special? What sets her apart from men? Our ability to carry a child and cooperate with God in establishing a new home for another SOUL is the defining characteristic of woman. Even those who never have children still carry the place within them which is considered sacred by God. For He Himself chose to enclose Himself there, rather than to descend to earth on a cloud or other grand manner. Jesus Himself made his very first home in the womb of His Mother. THAT is what makes being a woman so grand and mysterious!

Satan of course wants to deny the power of womanhood. He hates womanhood more than he hate man. His pride and vanity makes him loathe the awesome power given to woman to cooperate intimately with God in CREATION. This is something even the angels themselves cannot do! So, he sets out to destroy that which is filled with mystery and that which draws women closer and closer to God Himself - Motherhood.

I love babies, yes. I morn the loss of over 40 million babies since Roe v Wade. I get VERY ANGRY with radical feminists that talk about women's rights and "empowering" women!!! What a LIE! Abortion doesn't empower women. It doesn't give them more control over their lives. It ENSLAVES them to a life of sorrow and shame!! There is no freedom in deception only in the Truth are we free. I feel passionately that we as pro lifers must do two things in order to change this situation. First we must let people know what abortion REALLY does to the little babies. It is NOT a pleasant thing!! Secondly, we must embrace our wounded sisters and show them that there IS redemption and healing!!

The annual March for Life was held again in D.C. this past Jan. 22nd. I watched it on tv. I am hopeful that the tide is turning. Let us all pray for the women of the nation to EMBRACE the mystery of their own bodies and not see their bodies as an ENEMY any longer!!

Oldies But Goodies

I just HAD to put these old photos up! They are all old by now, but they're some of my favorites. God has blessed me and blessed me abundantly!

Me - Drawn to gram's side by the powerful force called "baby"










Gram - telling a story and making that "face".



















Gram had a profound love and respect for priests. here she's holdin' Fr. Clem's hand.
















Here with Fr. Don and Stephanie.

Leona

Today I was going through boxes of pictures. In one, I found a couple of envelopes. Inside there were a few letters I'd kept. Some were from the Kairos Retreat I went on and then lead in high school. Others were just some special letters I saved. Two of these letters were from my grandmother.

I began crying even as I simply unfolded them. Seeing her handwriting was enough to bring back the memory of her hands and how they looked holding a pencil or a pen. I flashed back to watching her do crossword puzzles at her kitchen table and looking at her hands, bumpy with blue purple veins, but also soft and browner than mine. I can see those hands doing a lot of things. Peeling potatoes into a dented metal collander or crimping the edge of a pie crust...

Well anyway, I opened the letter and cried as I read these words:

October 5th,1991

Dear Kristan,

Just a few lines to tell you how much I love you and how glad I am to have you for a grand-daughter. I'm not very good at expressing my feelings but I'm sure you know how very much I love you. You have always been a joy to me to have around especially when I'm feeling low-down. You make things seem a lot better for me.

I especially remember times when grandpa was still with us and you would try to cheer me up because he was feeling so bad and he would be cross to me.

Needless to say you are much loved by me and no matter how things turn out for you - I will always love you!

Love and Prayers,
Grandma Maxwell

























I'm actually crying again as I re-write this letter onto the blog...I miss her so terribly!!! I am often at a loss for words to explain how connected I was to this woman. She was so much who and what I wanted to be when I grew up. I knew her life was difficult and far from glamorous. I could see that as a child, and yet I still so wanted to emmulate her.
How I wish I could talk with her now and share my joys and my trials as a wife and mother. How I'd love to laugh with her and cry with her. I never got the chance to look at her eye to eye. I was always just a little girl looking up at her. I'm ashamed that I wasn't more a woman by the time I got to college, so that I could reap the benefits of having a real "grown-up" conversation with her.
But, like college often does, I stayed stuck in my youthful self-centeredness instead of maturing into a full fledged adult! It wasn't until I became a mother myself that I considered all the things I'd have liked to ask her and learn from her. Then, it was too late. She'd already been taken from me.
I do talk to her daily in prayer. I have a picture of the sacred heart on my kitchen window ledge with a picture of her fixed just below Jesus heart. I stand there at my sink and I look up at her there. Once again, I'm looking up at her. I say to her "I love you gram. I miss you. I hope to make you proud." I can't wait to see her again. That is a great motivator for me - Do your best, try not to complain, and love, love, love them all!!

The Man I Love

The other day driving home something small but meaningful occured to me. I was all alone in the car with the music going - REALLY LOUD! I was so happy. A moment of freedom. I started down a path of self pity and also self importance. I started to think..."Gee, I never get away...I never go anywhere...look how easily I'm pleased, a little music and a drive and you'd think I won the lotto!..."

Then, I stopped. I stopped dead in my mental tracks. I looked at where I was - literally. Then, I thought better. I thought..."Wow, here I am driving a new car - a suburban...Tim worked so hard for this - he loves us so much...he just handed me the keys and said here you go Kris without any expectations at all...He gets up while we all sleep in the morning and often leaves before we're up...he wears worn out shoes and the same ol' pants and never complains..."

I realized at that moment that although I do so much for my family, I often also do a lot of "poor me-ing" that Tim NEVER does. Sure, I get to do the dirty work of laundry and diapers, but he carry's a burden of responsibility I really can't understand. HE IS the source of strength and perseverance that keeps this family running. I suppose if I were to use a car analogy it'd be like this: Tim provides the gas and I provide the daily maintenance that keep it in running order and together we both have a hand on the wheel steering the whole thing in the proper direction. But without him, we could not be. I love him for that. I love him for his hard work, his friendship, and his humor - especially his humor!

Since the day I met Tim, so long ago at the DQ in Carbondale, Il, he's been taking care of me. He met me at one of the lowest points of my life. Actually, I think it was THE lowest point. But, we found things to laugh about and joke about and soon he became the best friend in the world to me. He still is.

Those who know me, know that Morgan was a beautiful surprise to us. But, this disorder and anxiety of our lives back then never got to Tim. He was unwavering in his dedication to me and our little one. He gave up school and came up north here to work and once again take care of me and now our little one too. He worked long hard hours at Applebees in the kitchen. He worked his ass off! And then worked some more! NOT ONCE did he ever complain or show any kind of resentment towards me or my now growing belly. He WANTED to take care of us!

Then, he enrolled at Gov's State and started school along with work. He'd go to school all day and then work all night. He'd arrive home to our apartment around 2am and then he'd take a shower. Oh, how that greasy kitchen smell stunk!! Then he'd hit the books! He did this for almost three years. In the midst of all this of course was Morgan's birth. How joyful and happy that little apartment was. The brown shag carpet, the musty stairwell, the lack of furniture - none of it mattered to us. We went on laughing and celebrating our family together. I miss it kind of - the simplicity of that life was very humbling and purifying. It made me a better person. I thank God for it all!!

Also, Tim didn't let our circumstances, humble as they were, scare us into a lack of trust in The Almighty and His plans for us. You see, despite the shock and outright discouragement we got from other people, we were open to life. If that was what God planned for us then He was in charge. So, before Tim had finished school we were blessed with another baby - Mary Grace. What a graduation day for Tim. As he walked across that stage to get his diploma his family was there cheering for him. Two little girls were cheering their daddy on and I couldn't have ever loved Tim more than I did at that moment. Not because of the degree, but because of all the sacrifice and hard work I knew had gone into getting it. He did a hell of a lot more to EARN his degree than most average college students I know.

Then, with our focus on God and His plan for our little family we took a leap of faith again. Tim, scrounged together enough money to get us all tickets to Ireland to go on a spiritual pilgrimage of sorts. Tim was a knew convert to the Catholic faith. (oh ya, in between all his working and studying, he went to RCIA classes too!) What a GREAT trip that was. Tim, me and the two girls, and a map of Ireland! We rented a car and Tim drove his little family all over to see the holy places in Ireland! Once again we laughed and celebrated all the while. I ate up every moment and still can remember all the details of that trip like it was yesterday!

We have gone on to buy our first home and completely tear it up and re-do it again. Tim spent much time laying tile and cutting baseboard trim. I spent many a night re-plastering walls and painting, painting, painting. God blessed us again with a baby. This time a boy - Collin. We had a beautiful little home and nice neighbors and weren't too far from mom and dad. Then came another leap of faith.

We moved out here 3 years ago. It was difficult. But I have learned a very important lesson that Tim has been aware of already for years. I'd always say "Tim don't you get lonely? Don't you need friends?" and he'd say "that's why I've got you, Kris. You're my friend." I hated that answer. I was always searching for more...I am very close with mom and dad and mom especially I leaned on hard. Being out here, it is much harder to "lean on" anyone but Tim. I think I needed that. I needed to see that ultimately he IS my closest and dearest friend, and that when push comes to shove that that is ENOUGH.

Obviously I have friends and I still LOVE to talk mom's ear off. But, I've learned to say like Tim "I've got you - you're my friend." That, and also I've learned to call on JESUS a LOT more as well. There's nothing like a long bout of lonliness to get you praying and asking Jesus to help you out! That has been a real good growing experience for me as well.

Tim and I were blessed again with little Monica. Tim is working harder than ever. He puts in a lot of hours at work. It is often a very thankless job. He is naturally a dedicated and loyal employee - a rarity these days. He is very unappreciated. I guess that's what got me thinking the other day in the suburban...he has a thankless job and maybe I should be a little more thankful myself! God has been good to me. God has been so very very good to me.

Tim and I are now expecting baby number 5. They kids jumped up and down in the kitchen and then started running around with their hands in the air screaming like they'd just won the lotto! They are so excited! Tim and I are too. There's some nervousness because of my physical problems, but we believe that God will see us through. Once again Tim is taking care of me. He's not perfect - neither am I, but we see eachother clearly without pretense and we keep on loving eachother. That's what love is all about. I don't pretend you're perfect, but I choose to love you despite your imperfections.