Happy 5th Birthday Collin!!

September 8, 2002 you were born...September 9, 2007 you recieved your best birthday gift to date! - Christopher! ... Grandma Cheryl's gifts are cool too though eh?

Christopher Fulton - 16 days old

Crab - Must Vent...

Well, I am unofficially back to blogging. It will be VERY scattered and infrequent. But, I feel like a caged animal (in this case a big ugly crab) without it! I have been a terrible CRAB lately. The crab claws only come out for Tim and the bigger kiddos and they are scarcely seen by the 2 littler ones and NEVER seen by Christopher! But by oh boy do Tim, Morgan, and Mary see 'em!

First of all I am tired and my breasts hurt. This itself isn't so bad. But add being a month and a half behind in school, in a constant state of doing laundry, and feeling pulled in a million different directions, and I suddenly turn red, ugly, and ready to "pinch" anybody who gets in my way! The girls are NOT cooperating with school. They are putting up as much resistance as possible. They'd rather be watching Scooby-Do re-runs and eating Chees-its all day long...Collin needs to be taken to and from preschool 3 days a week. The whole process of getting everybody ready to be seen in public by the ever judging eyes of those who leave their mouths agape and then say the classic "you've go your hands full" when they see us, takes at least 45 minutes in all. I feel like we are always racing yet at the same time we're stuck in slow motion! Everything takes SO LONG to do!!! There's always 5 steps to a process which if it were me alone would only demand 1 step to complete. This is the most frustrating part of it all.

Then there's soccer practices. Mon. thru Thurs. for the big 3. This past Tuesday was my first attempt at bringing all 5 with me to the soccer fields and sitting thru an entire practice. I was sweating and stressed...my eyes kept darting around looking for all my crew members and counting... 1,2,3 oh no where's 4? where's 4?...thank God there she is...where's 5? where's 5? Oh there he is in his stroller!! Gee Wiz I'm going nutty here!!! Then dealing with the small talk "chit chat" between parents (mostly moms) watching the practices - Often I blurt out some kind of remark that gets me a look like I'm from another planet. Example: Mom comes over - "So, you're Collin's mom?" - me - "yes" - "...Oh he made us laugh last week when he wanted to tell us about how you feed his little brother...he was so detailed we all had to laugh.." - me - "Ya, you know today he said the cutest thing to me, he said 'mom, I like your nursies, they're beautiful. But I think you should paint them pink 'cause that would be more fashionable' " Now I told that little story to a crowd of parents who stared back at me in shock and horror! I had momentarily forgotten where I was...I was with a group of moms who could in no way relate to my complete lack of discomfort when discussing my breasts or breastfeeding. You see after you nurse 5 children you tend to see your breasts as baby quieters and "nursies" as we call them around here. You don't laugh at your son's description of breasts being used to feed baby brother but you DO laugh at him wanting to paint them pink and think it hysterical that he would choose to use the word "fashionable" as a 5 year old boy!!! But alas, that one went over with the soccer moms like a lead balloon.

Anyhoo, I am a crab. Tim and I took Christopher to be circumcised last night. More crabbiness ensued. I did not want to do this again. Collin's suffering was enough for me. But Tim insisted. And as I always tell the kids "Daddy's the King around here and we must listen to the King" And so Christopher was circumcised. I hate it!! But he IS doing much better today already. (Tim was right about that - again) But, it did inevitably make me an even BIGGER crab! Tim gets the worst of it...

In my defense though, Tim is not the most sensitive hubby. He is a soldier by nature and so he always takes the crap life throws at him and just digs in and soldiers on. He expects the same from his wife and kids as well. We don't really "soldier" as well as he does. This can cause an awful lot of "conflict" 'round here. I become the crabby whiner wife and he becomes the insensitive jerky husband. It's not a pleasant mix! Thank God for those vows "...in good times and in bad..." I really just ant to know that Tim sees how hard this transition is for me. I want him to say occasionally how proud he is with my trying to keep it all together. Tim wants the status quo maintained and the routine to be carried on like all good soldiers must and do...I think I'd make a crappy soldier!

I know that this too will pass. As we all adjust to life as a family of 7 we will all begin to pull our weight and work together. It'll take a couple of months though...we're slow learners I guess...or just stubborn. Stubborn is probably more accurate. In the mean time we all have Christopher to enjoy and love to pieces. Thank goodness babies make all this craziness SOOOOOOO Worth IT!! We've scheduled Christopher's baptism for Nov. 4th. We've never waited that long to baptize our babies! But we just decided to join a new parish and they have the entire month of October already booked! Hopefully Christopher will still be able to fit into the gown. It is a family gown that's been passed down through the generations and ALL the babies have been baptised in it. It's on the small side because we always baptize our babies right away. Being that Chris was 8 lbs. at birth and is now already 10 lbs, I'm hoping he'll be able to squeeze into it by November 4th!! Yikes! I may have to leave it unbuttoned in the back and just "fake it for pictures...

We've asked our neighbors and good friends Don and Dawn to be the godparents. We'll keep the party small and simple. I'm looking forward to it. I always LOVE the day of my child's baptism. I tend to get VERY emotional about it. I've cried at/during every one of my kiddos' baptisms. It's such a powerful moment!! What could be better than knowing that who was just your daughter or son has now become also your sister or brother in Christ!!! WOW!! You gotta love it!! - well...baby needs to nurse again...here come the unpainted, not pink, unfashionable "nursies" little Christopher!!!!

Falling In Love All Over Again

I am truly amazed at how God provides a family with enough love to lavish upon each new member that is welcomed to this world. We ALL are falling in love with little Christopher Fulton! I can't possibly kiss him or hold him enough to satisfy my overflowing heart!!! Neither can his sisters or his big brother Collin! School's still not happening but I'm trying to convince myself that it's not worth stressing out about...times tables and phonics will always be there but a newborn yawn with curled up legs and arched back are a fleeting thing...

September 9, 2007 - Christopher Fulton Is Born !!

On 9-9-07 at 8:30 pm my biggest baby yet was born! 8 pounds!
He came into this world via a water birth which I can't say enough good things about! It was fantastic! All his siblings were there around the tub to watch his entry into this world and they couldn't have been more thrilled or enthusiastic! They were literally "jumping for joy"!!!!





So far all is well with me and little Chris. But I admit to feeling extremely overwhelmed and anxious about how I will handle all this family demands in the coming weeks...Pray for me and my family as we all adjust to our new schedule (or actually lack there of) and try to work as a "team" as we should! Thank you all for your prayers...the birth was truly miraculous!!!...our Lady and Bishop Sheen helped me in a VERY special way!!


Well, off to change another diaper and nurse again...Tim's got Mary and Collin at soccer practice...starting next week it's "all me" though and that'll be interesting to say the least. (3 in soccer 4 times a week and 1 in preschool 3 times a week...AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!) All of it is in God's hands...He hasn't failed me yet!!! Praise Him and thank Him!

All the pics you see here were taken in the first 24 hours of Christopher's life. He's a "Tiny Tim" !!

Goodbye

This will be my last entry. I will no longer be blogging. There are complicated reasons and then there are simple ones. The simple ones are the amount of time that I devote to this blog vs. the amount of time required to raise and care for my growing family. My family must win out hands down. Also, this blog, although a source of comfort and catharsis for me can also be a source of conflict between myself and others who know me. Therefore, I have decided it best to stop blogging but always continue thinking and writing when I can about whatever strikes me as important. I have enjoyed this tremendously and I will continue to check in on my favorite bloggers and comment when I can. God bless and maybe I'll pick this back up at a later date...when there aren't so many diapers to change and so many books to be read aloud to a waiting audience...
Love - Kris

i'll always stand for you - tree63

Another favorite of mine...It gets me thinking about what I am REALLY willing to sacrifice for Jesus. "I have felt the sting rejection brings" is one of my favorite lines. How much will I bear? How much will I endure for love of Him? I think of the martyrs past and present. I think of all of life's little crosses and how I need to embrace them more and complain less. I will always STAND for Jesus.

Music - How I Pray

I love music. All kinds. I like everything from Boys II Men to Frank Sinatra to Nickelback to John Denver to Stevie Wonder to Boston to Beastie Boys to Air Supply...well, you get the idea. I believe my love of music was instilled in me from the start by my dad. He's a real music lover as well. His tastes don't venture oput quite as far as mine. He sticks to R&B and disco and Motown for the most part. (Yes, yes my dad is white) But my dad always cranks up his favorite songs and really ENJOYS them! Music can be powerful like that.

Often this is how I pray. More than anything else, for probably about the past 5 years or so, I've listened to Christian music. I love it. It's not the sweet sappy cornball stuff people tend to think it is. It is often very powerful, very current music. The lyrics are relevant and timely. At least the songs that I enjoy are that way. I listen to it most in the suburban with the kiddos. They love it too. They sing right along and we even discuss the meaning or point of the song's lyrics when it ends. It's a great teaching tool that way.

There are other times though that the kids are just spacing out looking out the window and I am able to drive and listen more deeply. I pray the words. I offer up the joy I feel from the song as a gift to the Lord. I talk to God through the song. This is how I pray. I find that I am taken closer to Him in these moments than the times when I try to pray a formal prayer. So, in this way the music has been such a blessing to me. It has gotten me to a place in my prayer life where I rely less on words and more on just being in His presence. I can just "absorb" Him into my heart. It is an awesome and often overwhelming feeling...I feel a little embarrassed so I'll end here.

third day consuming fire

another great song...if I keep this up I'll tturn the whole blog into one beloved song after the next!

Toby Mac - Made To Love You

Driving home from the chiropractor's office last night I heard one of my favorite songs. It tied in so well with what I've been thinking about lately - Ginormous Heart...
The song is Made to Love by Toby Mac
I freely admit to crankin' it up as far as the volume control could go and then singing it loud (and most likely off key too)
It's a great song - Kris thinks...

Slow But Sure

I spoke with Kelly yesterday. Progress is slow but sure on their expansion. The weather is bad there - cold and wet. Toby was with his grandma. Sarah was reading and reading and reading. Miriam was being silly. Martin was at the pub with friends. Kelly was blabbing with her little sis about a variety of things.

Morgan spilled the beans about her trip to Rome with mom. I wasn't sure how Kelly and Martin would take it. I imagine if I were in her shoes I'd feel hurt. Kelly says of course that she is not. Truly it does not make practical sense to take a 7 day trip over seas and split it between two countries (Germany and Italy). But what makes practical sense is not always a comfort to gut instinct emotions...

I can only imagine how hard it is for Kelly to live abroad. She is forever the outsider no matter that she speaks German fluently, or has embraced many aspects of German culture. She can never just "drop in" on me or mom or friends. A visit always demands an airline ticket and a passport. (and lots of $$$$ too) We are all busy living our lives over here in the US and often I'm sure she feels she's forgotten. She is not. I'm not the best at remembering or being thoughtful the way she is. I'm sure this leaves her feeling less than appreciated by her own little sister.

To add insult to injury so to speak mom will be taking Morgan to Rome in December. Although this is great and is in no way an attempt to "snub" Kelly and her family it may still sting a bit. To be SO CLOSE (geographically) and yet to miss each other just seems unfair. Still, my sensible sister reiterates all the reasons this scenario is best. It is a short trip. Only 5 days of actual visit time. (the other 2 are travel days) Rome and Vatican City are filled with things to see and do enough to fill a month's worth of time. A side trip to Germany would be too much for a five day time frame. Kelly and Martin will both be working and the kids will be in school at the time.

Anyhow...I sure wish I could be going too. I envy Morgan and mom. I sure hope I can see the Vatican some day. Also, I hope that our plan to go to Germany next fall is not spoiled by some unforeseen event. It is about time that the Tim and Kris Crew make a trip over there... How bad could it be to travel overseas with five children ages 10 and under???? Piece of cake!!!
I love you Kelly, Martin, Sarah, Toby, and Miriam.

Oh the Things You can Do With A "Ginormous" Heart

First of all I am so pleased to be able to use the word "ginormous" in a post title. I admit I like to use this non-word when ever possible. I'm a fan of "Elf" and the word makes me giggle just a little every time I hear/say it.

Now - on to the point at hand...

Yesterday at mass Father gave a lovely homily on the importance of pleasing God and the deception of finding lasting pleasure in the things of earth. He discussed the purpose of wealth and "success" and how all good things come from God alone. He spoke of how we can only be truly satisfied by the things of God. All related well to the reading, specifically the gospel. Then he said something so simple that it made all his other words so unnecessary. (At least for me.) He said "God gives each one of us a heart so large, that only He can fill it." Then he went on with this and that and I admit I didn't even hear the rest of his homily. I was stuck on that one image. It is the image, the explanation I had been trying to describe myself for so long. I have had many occasions to discuss the importance of God in my life with other people. This is a great blessing. People tend to come to me and question me "why do you do the things you do?". They may marvel or they may criticize. But for some reason they seem to want to understand why I do the "crazy" things I do. (Crazy meaning - having all those kids, and homeschooling, and talking about Jesus, and praying that ol' ladies prayer the rosary, etc)

I try to talk about my love of God. I speak about how He has transformed me and subsequently my life. I talk about the joy and peace I feel knowing that I am doing what pleases Him most. But those deer in headlights eyes often just stare back at me. They cannot understand where I am coming from. They think I have some special supernatural powers to connect with God on a level they cannot. Not true! They think that I am especially "holy". Not! They think that I have had an extraordinary upbringing which has prepared me well for this journey. Yet I am just the product of any ordinary dysfunctional family like everybody else.

What could I say? How could I describe the NEED for God to those who see my compulsion, my obsession as unnatural and unattainable? How can I make them see that we ALL need God. We have the same magnetic draw towards Him no matter who we are or where we've been. Everybody is destined to be compulsively, obsessively drawn to serve the Lord! It's just that we let so much darkness blind us. We think so little of ourselves and at the same time we think we think so highly of ourselves! Oh how Satan twists things! Then Father spoke those simple words. The image for me was so clear and childlike - it was perfect!

God is our maker. He made us with ginormous hearts. And I mean GINORMOUS!! There is no person, no possession, no achievement, no degree, or bank account, or success, or pleasure that can fill this heart we have been given. Our spouse cannot fill it. Our children cannot fill it. Our love of neighbor, country, or humanity itself cannot fill it. God alone can fill our ginormous heart. Only God can satisfy our hunger. We fill ourselves with everything in sight. Some choices may seem better than others. Some may choose selfish pleasures to stuff that void. Others choose noble acts and selfless charity and say they are fulfilled. But charity without love of God is just another hopeless heart-stuffer. We will stuff and stuff and never be complete. The void is still there.

God must be asked to come into and fill our ginormous hearts. We must make Him a welcomed guest there. We must give Him ALL of our heart - not merely a piece of it. We must not hold back or reserve space for a rainy day. He will not fail us. So go ahead. Give yourself away! Every ginormous piece of that heart! Then crazy things just start happening. You feel a radical compulsion to GIVE and GIVE and GIVE. You find yourself doing things and sacrificing things that never seemed possible before. The crazy part is it's not YOU! You're not some super hero who's suddenly developed super powers. You're just the same little ol' person you were before but with a God-filled, God-powered heart. And remember, it's a GINORMOUS HEART! Oh the things you can do with a ginormous heart!

A Very Different Woman Arrives At the Same Truth

A very different woman than myself writes an excellent article for the MSN Lifestyle section online. Although to be sure she and I have many differences we both have arrived at the same truth about marriage. More specifically we agree on the benefits of marrying "young". Young seems to be under the age of 30 these days. People have a tendency to tell you to wait until "you're established" - whatever that means. Tim and I took the plunge, the leap of faith almost 9 years ago. Like the author of this article I feel like we have benefited enormously from our youthful "blindness" in that we put our faith in God to see us through and you know what? He hasn't failed us yet!

The article can be found here - Married at 24: Crazy in Love or Just Crazy? - MSN Lifestyle - Relationships: I rather enjoyed the last 2 paragraphs the BEST!!! here they are -

"It wasn't until recently that I realized my engagement ring — two tiny jewels riding a golden wave — is a child's ring, and how appropriate that was at the time. I had no clue about marriage. I had no idea about the storms lurking out at sea, the rocks, how desire could rise and fall like the tide. And I'm glad I just blithely plunged in. Had I really thought about it, I might have bolted back to the singles jungle with my life list in hand.

In a way, Rob and I grew up together. We helped make each other — for better or worse. Getting married wasn't about settling down or having stability; it was about joining forces for an adventure neither of us could have alone. It was like standing at the edge of a cliff with rushing water beneath us. We were happy, terrified — and against all expectations, we jumped. But we were holding hands, and even if we were falling fast, we were together. Are together."

A Quote from the Big Sis

"I'm so bleepin' lazy I can't believe God even puts up with me." says my sister Kelly

Is she delusional? She's way too hard on herself...besides I don't think you should use the words bleepin' and God in the same sentence should you?

Humor Required

Yesterday was not such a good day. Then Dawn called. I experienced my first laughter of the day. The clouds cleared, the sky brightened, and I felt human again. She didn't intend on making me laugh. But laughter was the natural consequence of her telling me the tale of her going school supply and shoe shopping with her five children. (need I say more?) Dawn has a way of telling a story (no matter how mundane or insignificant) that will induce deep belly laughter, and occasionally laughter with tears and a need to fall on the floor.

In a nutshell. She's funny! I've found in the course of my life that this quality is mandatory in all of my closest of friends. Humor is required. I find that it is the fruit of two virtues I respect tremendously - wisdom and humility. And so we laugh together - a lot! Thanks Dawn for your humor. It makes this insanity that we both have freely chosen bearable, on those days when we look around at the chaos and laundry and mess and say to ourselves "What the heck have I gotten myself into?"

5 Things I Love About Jesus

Shelray over at Cosmos Liturgy Sex has tagged me to answer this: The 5 things you love about Jesus...here goes

1. Jesus is God made Man - WOW wrap your head around that one!!!!

2. Jesus is PERFECT. I am not. He loves me anyway.

3. Jesus really KNOWS me. He "gets" me completely.

4. Jesus is all powerful and all merciful - What a combo!!!

5. Jesus is the ultimate lover - the more you fall in love with Him and let Him love you, the more you are able to love others completely, selflessly, totally. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

"Complex" - Compliment or Curse

Tim and I in Ireland on our "pilgrimage" with the girls. (morgan 3 Mary Grace 1)

Me and Sue (a high school and college friend) getting ready to go out at SIU Carbondale

Partying with college friends on a VERY HOT summer night...










Me and my 4 kiddos on our family vacation to Virginia











Today I got a call from my brother-in-law Martin. In the course of our conversation he began his thoughts with a caveat: "Now this is not meant to hurt your feelings Kristan...but I would say that you are a complex person." In my opinion the caveat was not necessary. I took it as a compliment. Then as he went on explaining why exactly he felt "complex" was such a suitable description of me I said to him "Yes, Martin. There you have it then. That is my curse. I fit in no where, belong no where."



This led me to consider the pros and cons of this "complexity" as he described it, and as I agreed does exist in me. I live a simple life. I have a very clear and simple purpose which motivates everything I do and am - love of God. Yet, I see things, relate to things, and respond to everything and everybody around me in shades of gray that even I fail to understand completely. It is both a gift and a cross.



It is a gift to articulate very strongly held beliefs and convictions and yet love the friends and family who reject or disagree with these as well. It is a gift to see beyond my own surface, allowing me to grow closer to the God who made me. It is a gift to see beyond others surfaces as well, allowing me to regain the proper humility when it escapes me in moments of weakness. It is a gift to recognize the limitations of most liberal arguments without dismissing the good motives behind most liberal positions. It is a gift to laugh, be loud, be goofy and obnoxiously silly, and then to be quiet and contemplative and prayerful too. It is a gift to have made mistakes and fallen into the deep pits of a sinner, and now to stand on a new road with a firm resolution not to fall again and yet never forgetting the compassion required to lift a sinner from out of one of those pits. It's a been there done that sort of thing.



It is a cross to be complex in a world that demands simple labels for everybody and everything. Like it or not, with the discovery of a handful of details about me, people have me "pegged" as either a self-righteous, prudish, saint who cannot be approached, or a weird, alternative, phony who is easily dismissed. My cross is going to a home school event and being the only mom there in pants. It's getting giddy over the words of St. Augustine or Bishop Sheen, and sharing them to a less than enthusiastic audience. I actually have to restrain myself from talking about or inserting certain spiritual observations or truths into conversations. I don't want to "weird people out" - but I do. My cross is being deep in a world of superficiality - I see things that disturb me or even elate me that seem invisible to the rest of the population. It is a cross to be different and to stand out on your own. People think this separation is a sign of arrogance. If only they could see the insecurities that plague me or hear the self-loathing mantras that go on inside my head. I have a past filled with mistakes and scandalous sins which exclude me from the innocence and purity I see in many of the Catholic home schooling mothers I respect so much. At the same time the innocence and purity I aspire to leaves me in an awkward place amongst the suburban housewives I see and interact with daily.



They say some of the greatest sinners became the greatest of saints. I know why. It is because these people have been down in the low dark places their sins took them. They experienced the mercy of God. They rose to a new height. Their life after that was one of constant awe. They were in awe of God and His mercy. This awe allows you to see. You see a lot - more than the average ordinary soul I suppose. It doesn't make you "better than" your fellow man, but it does make you more "complex". In the final analysis "complex" IS both a compliment and a curse.

More Pictures from Germany

The construction continues...I can only imagine the stress that is going along with that process! There's something so rewarding yet at the same time anxiety inducing about having a home (or in this case an addition) built for you. This is your home and you want it to be done properly. The people who are working are doing a job - that's it. Why is it that they cannot see all the same details we see? At least that was Tim and my experience when we had our home built. But in the end you've got to say to yourself it's the love that fills the rooms that counts more than the perfectly aligned and neatly painted trim that frames it.
Have I said lately how much I miss my sister and brother-in-law? Oh ya I think I said it a couple of posts ago...Oh well, I'll say it again...I miss you Kelly and Martin!!!!