5 Days Until Morgan Leaves for Italy...

How did time fly by so quickly? I can't believe my little baby girl is soon to be flying over the Atlantic WITHOUT ME!!! You might say that I should take comfort in the fact that she'll be traveling with my mom. I do. But it doesn't help to take away the sting that's burning inside me the past few days...She's grown up so quickly. It all seems to be going by way too fast. I don't like it. Not one bit!! I wish I could freeze frame and keep her small and right beside me ALWAYS. Saying I find it hard to let go is a major understatement. I just want to hang onto her with all my might forever and it seems that time has a different plan. Time keeps on passing and she keeps on growing and changing and consequently keeps inching her way further and further away from mom. I am proud of my little curly headed girl. She is beautiful, and sweet, and full of charisma.

I KNOW that she will LOVE Rome! She is so excited. She keeps chatting away about this saint and that saint and this relic and that..."Maybe I'll see the pope mom!" she says skipping through the kitchen. "That'd be great Morgan!" I say trying to be enthusiastic and hide all my worries and anxiety from her. Please pray for Morgan and mom as they head to Vatican City in 5 days!!! I'd like to say that there'll be lots of pictures posted but probably not. Mom's not a fan of digital cameras and I'm not sure if I should send mine with Morgan to keep charge of...she's growing up yah, but come on she's still a kid too. You think I should just risk it ans send my camera with her anyhow? There's GOTTA be pics from Rome right? Well, I've got 5 days to think it over...

The Human Experience Grassroots Films

I MUST MUST MUST see this film!!!! Check it out yourself...

A Soldier's Silent Night

God is a Mystery

Today my cousin Jennifer died. She had been battling problems with her liver for a long while. She was the only daughter of my cousin Susie. She had beuatiful fair skin and black hair. The last time I saw her was last year at my uncle Al's funeral. I didn't even recognize her. She was forever a five-year old in my mind's eye. But there I saw her a beautiful woman who was sweet and kind and joyful. Jenny was not a huge part of my life because she grew up in Florida. But from the few experiences I had with her and from the many stories I have come to know about her I feel a great amount of love for her.
She is also the grandaughter of my beloved aunt Bonnie who passed away from cancer. I have written about her as well on this blog.
I cannot imagine the pain my cousin Susie is going through. She, like me, was an unwed mother...Jenny was her little miracle baby! She was Susie's only daughter - only child! How a mother wants to protect and help her child. Yet, Susie was powerless...I know that everyone was praying very hard for a miracle. Yet, God decided to take Jenny. She studied music. She had a beautiful voice. In fact she sang at my beloved grandmother's funeral mass...
My uncle Tom and aunt Bonnie have a beautiful family - four girls and a boy. They also have many beautiful grandchildren. But the family has now lost its matriarch, Bonnie, and this lovely voice and soul, Jenny. They will persevere because they have faith. They will lean on the Lord. I will pray for them. I ask you to say a prayer for them as well. Jenny was a beautiful devoted daughter and granddaughter. She lived her life with joy despite her suffering and pain. She was called to be with Jesus. I had a very intense image come to me last night as I reflected on all of this. The image was of Jenny in a beautiful bridal gown. She looked radiant! I couldn't help imagining her walking with a white gown flowing behind her, beautiful music playing, grandma and aunt Bonnie standing along the way watching her and smiling. She held her own heart all aglow in her hands as her bouquet and when she reached the altar their stood Jesus with outstretched arms ready to accept his little bride and her heart all aglow with love just for Him. What a beautiful bride my cousin Jennifer was. Now she will celebrate at an eternal banquet. Jenny was only 24.

***Jenny is the little girl with long black curls, the young woman holding the picture frame, the young girl in pink,and the baby in her mother's arms in these pictures.

I love Dennis Prager

Here's some stuff by one of my favorite Jews (second to Jesus Himself of course!)

Townhall.com::Excitement Deprives Children of Happiness::By Dennis Prager: " That is why the frequent complaint of 'I'm bored' is often a sign of a jaded child, i.e., a child addicted to excitement and therefore incapable of enjoying life when not being excited. All this excitement in their lives bodes poorly for the future happiness of millions of American children. Real life, let alone daily life, will seem so boring to them that they will not be able to enjoy it. And more than a few of them will opt for lives of constant excitement, often in ways destructive to themselves and others."

I miss listening to Dennis since the local radio station moved him to 11pm...he has a lot of wisdom to offer.

This holiday season makes me realize how spoiling our kids can actually HURT them! I like to think that Tim and I don't go "overboard" this time of year. We try to keep things in perspective and make it more about Jesus and less about all the "STUFF"!

Love More

I love my kids. I love them more than they'll ever know. But that's not as it should be. They SHOULD know how much I love them!! Often I get way too wrapped up in the particulars of the household. I rage over mounds of laundry and I cry over spilt milk and juice and lemonade...I say "hurry up" way too much. I say "you're a great kid!" way too little.

I do have great kids! Each one is unique and special. I must try harder to show them, each one of them, that I know that to be true. I need to walk the walk more - LOVE MORE! What good does it do me to be a "good catholic" if I'm not LOVING my little ones as much or better said, HOW I should be loving them? I will try to slow down more and really SEE them for who they are. I will enJOY them and enJOY their laughter, silliness, and experiences more fully.

Morgan my sensitive sports loving oldest. She'd love to act on stage and write her own scripts. Mary Grace my little pistol! She has a tender little heart for babies and animals, taking care of them so well - but boy oh boy don't piss her off or she'll make you live to regret it! (so much like her mother) Collin my sweetheart. He's a hugger and a kisser and a big compliment giver. Monica a silly face making smarty. She catches on to everything the big ones show her and she makes the silliest faces to go with her squeaky little voice. Christopher - you're a happy happy baby! Smiling and giggling already!!


I will LOVE MORE!!!! They deserve it!!

Happy to Be Me - For the Most Part...

I have been fighting off internal angst and self-loathing for as long as I can remember. Until Tim came into my life I frankly felt quite unlovable...Then came my re-conversion and my kiddos. Both of which helped me to see a greater purpose for my life and for my place in this world. I love being a mom. It was always my REAL dream as a little girl and as a young woman (although you're not allowed to express it because it's seen as under achieving) to be a wife and a mother - that's it!

So, here I am a wife and mother of five. Success! Satisfaction! Peace! Well, you'd think so eh? Not so for this woman - always reaching never quite getting there... Never quite fitting into a particular niche. My sense of humor out of place, my sense of social justice annoying to some, my convictions seen as overbearing, my quirkiness and goofiness just plain weird. But you know what? I'm getting to be ok with all that. That's me. My kiddos reap the benefits of having me as mom and yet I've accepted that there'll be a few "scars" from having me as mom as well. But they'll survive! I'm starting to accept the fact that they will turn out just fine and by the grace of GOD they'll make it to heaven, despite the fact that their mother wasn't perfect. Imagine that - an imperfect mom turning out kids who are socially well-adjusted, happy, and devoted Christians. Who knew it was possible? Until recently I didn't think it was possible. I'm starting "to let go and let God" as they say and it feels a hell of a lot better than clinging to every detail of life with a death grip and then worrying about what I could have possibly missed. Most moms suffer from this I know. Yet I seem to suffer from a slightly different kind of OCD - the spiritual kind. When other moms obsess and worry over what play group to join or what kind of shoes their kiddos need to be wearing (to be cool of course) or if their kiddos are gonna make it into a "good" college etc. - I'm having panic attacks over how well they know their catechism, if they really have a proper love of Jesus, are they truly learning and developing the right virtues to get them into the big university in the sky. So I am normal and I'm not so normal - and I'm happy to be me - for the most part!

Update On The Germans

Well, the addition is finally done!! At least the first addition. Kelly and Martin have decided to go on and bump out the back of their home as well. Here are the most recent pics from the upstairs addition...the girls' room and the loft and a new bath!!! How exciting for the Germans!!

A Happier Home

Since we put the girls into school and I've gotten over the guilt pains (for the most part), life at home has been much improved. Mom is more peaceful and loving. Gone are the screaming matches over reading worksheets and times tables. Gone are the constant interruptions met by a grumpy faced woman saying things like "go watch tv" or "get outta here we're doing school" or "can't you see I'm busy?" Gone are the piles of laundry and the dirty dishes - who am I kidding - NOT! - I'm a happier healthier mom of five not a miracle worker!!! But all n all things around here have been much happier since I gave up homeschool as the one and only path to holy children and holy motherhood. God has a plan for this family of mine. I must remain open to it and to the path He's calling me to - the first step was a big one for me. But the fruit has been good - a happier home.

A Good Doggie

Maxie was a good doggie. She loved to swim, chase down balls, and eat! She would take a running leap into mom and dad's pool and then try to "chomp" the splashes she'd create as she paddled around the pool. She put up with all the kids trying to ride her like a horse and 2 very imperfect, impatient parents. She was a people loving doggie who followed you around like a shadow and so she will be missed.

I must say, despite how I spoke about needing to put her to sleep for a while now when it came right down to it I didn't really want to do it. My head told me one thing while my heart said another. Today I followed my head and left the Animal hospital without my doggie and with a broken heart. I told the girls after I picked them up from school. Mary cried all the way home. That started me again...She and Morgan both grew up with her more than the other obviously and therefore they're taking it hard. Harder than I had thought they would...especially Mary Grace - she's been sitting on the stairs to the basement sobbing since we got home...I NEVER NEVER want to have to go through this again!!!!

Maxie - you were a good girl!!! Have fun swimming in eternity!!!! - Love your very imperfect mom - Kris

Beautiful Boy - Child of God

Christopher Fulton in our family's heirloom gown.
This gown was made by great-grandma and then worn by Kelly, me, Morgan, then Sarah, then Mary Grace, then Tobias, Collin, Miriam, Monica, and now Christopher.

Christopher Fulton - Born Again - November 4, 2007

These pics are from Christopher's baptism. It was a beautiful day. It was different to be in a new church without Fr. Burns there. We have had a very quiet personal baptism for our children and this time we were with many other families...The deacon did a beautiful job though and the service was very well done. Christopher smiled right through his actual baptism. After the third pouring of water "and the Holy Spirit" he broke out into a full fledged GRIN!! You can see us all smiling/laughing back at him in one of the pics...He sure was happy to be born again into God's family - mom was happy too!!