A Quote from the Big Sis

"I'm so bleepin' lazy I can't believe God even puts up with me." says my sister Kelly

Is she delusional? She's way too hard on herself...besides I don't think you should use the words bleepin' and God in the same sentence should you?

Humor Required

Yesterday was not such a good day. Then Dawn called. I experienced my first laughter of the day. The clouds cleared, the sky brightened, and I felt human again. She didn't intend on making me laugh. But laughter was the natural consequence of her telling me the tale of her going school supply and shoe shopping with her five children. (need I say more?) Dawn has a way of telling a story (no matter how mundane or insignificant) that will induce deep belly laughter, and occasionally laughter with tears and a need to fall on the floor.

In a nutshell. She's funny! I've found in the course of my life that this quality is mandatory in all of my closest of friends. Humor is required. I find that it is the fruit of two virtues I respect tremendously - wisdom and humility. And so we laugh together - a lot! Thanks Dawn for your humor. It makes this insanity that we both have freely chosen bearable, on those days when we look around at the chaos and laundry and mess and say to ourselves "What the heck have I gotten myself into?"

5 Things I Love About Jesus

Shelray over at Cosmos Liturgy Sex has tagged me to answer this: The 5 things you love about Jesus...here goes

1. Jesus is God made Man - WOW wrap your head around that one!!!!

2. Jesus is PERFECT. I am not. He loves me anyway.

3. Jesus really KNOWS me. He "gets" me completely.

4. Jesus is all powerful and all merciful - What a combo!!!

5. Jesus is the ultimate lover - the more you fall in love with Him and let Him love you, the more you are able to love others completely, selflessly, totally. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

"Complex" - Compliment or Curse

Tim and I in Ireland on our "pilgrimage" with the girls. (morgan 3 Mary Grace 1)

Me and Sue (a high school and college friend) getting ready to go out at SIU Carbondale

Partying with college friends on a VERY HOT summer night...










Me and my 4 kiddos on our family vacation to Virginia











Today I got a call from my brother-in-law Martin. In the course of our conversation he began his thoughts with a caveat: "Now this is not meant to hurt your feelings Kristan...but I would say that you are a complex person." In my opinion the caveat was not necessary. I took it as a compliment. Then as he went on explaining why exactly he felt "complex" was such a suitable description of me I said to him "Yes, Martin. There you have it then. That is my curse. I fit in no where, belong no where."



This led me to consider the pros and cons of this "complexity" as he described it, and as I agreed does exist in me. I live a simple life. I have a very clear and simple purpose which motivates everything I do and am - love of God. Yet, I see things, relate to things, and respond to everything and everybody around me in shades of gray that even I fail to understand completely. It is both a gift and a cross.



It is a gift to articulate very strongly held beliefs and convictions and yet love the friends and family who reject or disagree with these as well. It is a gift to see beyond my own surface, allowing me to grow closer to the God who made me. It is a gift to see beyond others surfaces as well, allowing me to regain the proper humility when it escapes me in moments of weakness. It is a gift to recognize the limitations of most liberal arguments without dismissing the good motives behind most liberal positions. It is a gift to laugh, be loud, be goofy and obnoxiously silly, and then to be quiet and contemplative and prayerful too. It is a gift to have made mistakes and fallen into the deep pits of a sinner, and now to stand on a new road with a firm resolution not to fall again and yet never forgetting the compassion required to lift a sinner from out of one of those pits. It's a been there done that sort of thing.



It is a cross to be complex in a world that demands simple labels for everybody and everything. Like it or not, with the discovery of a handful of details about me, people have me "pegged" as either a self-righteous, prudish, saint who cannot be approached, or a weird, alternative, phony who is easily dismissed. My cross is going to a home school event and being the only mom there in pants. It's getting giddy over the words of St. Augustine or Bishop Sheen, and sharing them to a less than enthusiastic audience. I actually have to restrain myself from talking about or inserting certain spiritual observations or truths into conversations. I don't want to "weird people out" - but I do. My cross is being deep in a world of superficiality - I see things that disturb me or even elate me that seem invisible to the rest of the population. It is a cross to be different and to stand out on your own. People think this separation is a sign of arrogance. If only they could see the insecurities that plague me or hear the self-loathing mantras that go on inside my head. I have a past filled with mistakes and scandalous sins which exclude me from the innocence and purity I see in many of the Catholic home schooling mothers I respect so much. At the same time the innocence and purity I aspire to leaves me in an awkward place amongst the suburban housewives I see and interact with daily.



They say some of the greatest sinners became the greatest of saints. I know why. It is because these people have been down in the low dark places their sins took them. They experienced the mercy of God. They rose to a new height. Their life after that was one of constant awe. They were in awe of God and His mercy. This awe allows you to see. You see a lot - more than the average ordinary soul I suppose. It doesn't make you "better than" your fellow man, but it does make you more "complex". In the final analysis "complex" IS both a compliment and a curse.

More Pictures from Germany

The construction continues...I can only imagine the stress that is going along with that process! There's something so rewarding yet at the same time anxiety inducing about having a home (or in this case an addition) built for you. This is your home and you want it to be done properly. The people who are working are doing a job - that's it. Why is it that they cannot see all the same details we see? At least that was Tim and my experience when we had our home built. But in the end you've got to say to yourself it's the love that fills the rooms that counts more than the perfectly aligned and neatly painted trim that frames it.
Have I said lately how much I miss my sister and brother-in-law? Oh ya I think I said it a couple of posts ago...Oh well, I'll say it again...I miss you Kelly and Martin!!!!

TMI

I stumbled upon this great little article over at MSNBC - Beware the overshare in everyday conversations

It's a quick read.

Tim and I often say that there are some people who give TMI (too much information) to the wrong audience at the wrong times. He is far more private and reserved than myself. His policy of listen, listen, listen, and talk only when necessary is a good one. I have tried to develop it over the course of the 12 years I've known him.

I must admit though, that I am still prone to diarrhea of the mouth. I hope that blogging in and of itself is not a sign of "oversharing" as the article suggests. I hope that I am not a narcissist disguising myself as an innocent blogger-mom. Does anyone think that blogging has become a form of narcissism? Or that we all (bloggers) share TMI because we're trying to establish false bonds with strangers? Read the article and let me know what you think...

Just When I Was About to Climb Atop My Pity Pot - God Puts Things in Perspective!

Following my doctor's appointment I was feeling really low. Where does stress and/or depression lead me? To Dairy Queen of course! Off we went to get my kiddos some well-deserved (thick sarcasm) ice cream. Frankly they all had been pains in the necks for me at the doc's office (with Collin being the King of all neck pain) but I didn't care I wanted a large chocolate malt with extra malt. Besides 4 vanilla cones guaranteed me at least 15 minutes of PEACE in the suburban.

We ordered. I pulled away from the window and I parked in the lot there to let the car idle. I passed out the cones and started my pity party. In between long sips of malt I'd think about what a pain the kids had been. I thought about how hard even the smallest tasks can be because I have these kiddos ALWAYS with me - EVERYWHERE I GO! Then I looked up at the strip mall in front of us. What did I see there? A Planned Parenthood Clinic! Yuck! Then I had an "ah hah" moment that only God can bring about. I immediately stopped pitying myself and started counting my blessings! "Yes Lord, You're right. I should be thankful for my children." I said to Him right there and then. I realized that the Planned Parenthood mentality WANTS me to see my children as burdens, as pains in the necks. That thought made me cringe! I would not allow the day's events to sour me completely.

I had it all right there in my suburban with my John Paul II bumper sticker. I had my kiddos, my unborn little one, my health, a loving husband, and icecream and onion rings to boot! I thought about the words on the back of my suburban and I took them to heart - "A nation that kills its own children is a nation without hope." I would not allow myself to participate in the culture's self-centeredness. I would "offer it up" and that's exactly what I did. Thank you God for pulling me down from my pity pot and putting things back into perspective - I love You!

At the Doctor's Office

**These are ACTUAL photos from my doctor's visit...I have a movie of the experience (I had Morgan actually film the event so all could share in the insanity) but I have no clue how to post video to my blog as of yet!!

Today I had a doctor's appointment. From this point forward I will be going weekly. I have ordered my birthing tub, and I will be needing to get my "supplies" organized in preparation for the "big day"! I am feeling excited and at the same time anxious, about another home birth. The baby's heart rate was 148 and doc says everything's good...yet I still found myself crying in that little white room on that crinkly white paper.

I felt it necessary to tell the doc about my very intense emotions as of late and also about my ever increasing stress level. This is when I broke down. I suppose the fact that all four of my kiddos were in the room with me "waiting" for him to come in, might have had something to do with it. When I say "waiting" that means me sitting on the crinkly papered table and yelling at Collin to stop touching , well, EVERYTHING!! "Don't touch that. Get down from there. Get your shoes back on. No! Not the bio hazard box! Leave your sister alone. Get up off the floor. and (most importantly) Be quiet!" It also means I actually said this to my girls "Do you see this person? (pointing at Collin) well he's gonna drive me crazy so that means you 3 must be PERFECT! Do you hear me? Sit there and be PERFECT!" (This was said with the veins in my neck starting to pop out and my teeth clenched so tightly that I was sure I'd break one of them off right there)Morgan asked "What do you mean mom?" I replied "Just sit there and act like statues." She pushes me "Can we be a fountain?" To which I responded without any words but just flashed her "the look" and she new I wasn't in the mood for her I'm almost double digits sense of humor.

Doctor came in and examined me pushing on my belly as Collin laid there next to me on the table. Actually Collin had his arms around me and one leg even tossed over my legs. I must say it felt good to be so loved by my little man but most importantly I was happy that he was finally STILL! (for almost 2 whole minutes!) I sat up to discuss things further with the doc and this is when he asked me the "trigger" question "Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?" Let the tears commence! I went on to explain how emotional and cranky I've been lately...as I did this Collin started his pinball action bouncing off the walls of the 8x8 room at top speed. The doc soon lost eye contact with me as I tearfully continued..."Mrs. ***** I don't think it's due to hormones as much as circumstance in your case." "It seems you may have some stress at home?" looking over at Collin who had just stuck some disposable cone shaped ear things in his ears. "Yes doctor." "Right now you really need to just be eating and resting and relaxing, nothing else. You should have someone come and stay with you and take care of all the housework and the children." My response? Laughter. "Thanks for the comic relief Doctor" I said. But he assured me he was serious.

The problem I find myself in is that those people who I feel comfortable coming into my home and caring for me and my kiddos are all moms with big broods of their own! Dawn my neighbor and dearest friend, has 5 and her youngest is only 5 mths old! Sure, like I can say "Hey Dawn when you're done with the Mt. Everest of laundry in your basement, and fishing toothbrushes out of toilets, and making and cleaning up after a zillion mini-meals (what kids like to call 'snacks' but they never really are snacks. They always grow into something larger), how's about coming over here and helping me out with my 4 kiddos?" My mom lives 1 1/2 hours away and has a sickly cat at home that cannot be left for long periods of time alone. So you see my first response of course was laughter.

I will survive. But will my children? That is the question. This summer has been a real bummer for the kiddos. I haven't done as much as I normally do with them. They are all accustomed to mom riding bikes, going swimming, taking them here and there, and acting as "all time pitcher" in the backyard for our neighborhood baseball games. If my kiddos were not the "baby lovers" Tim and I have encouraged them to be, I might fear that they'd resent this little one in mommy's womb because it's messing up their normal summer fun! But thank God they haven't blamed the baby. Just mom. I'll be happy when our little one is here, for many reasons, but one of them will be most definitely be the end of me having to hear "we're bored". There's nothing like a new little brother or sister to bring the joy and thrill of summer back to summer!!!!

Truly - It's Not Arrogance

Some one has left an Anon. response to my post "Filling their void with my family" and it has upset me a little. That particular post was written in anger - this is true. Yet my blog is not only a place for me to write my thoughts but is also a place for me to "vent" and release frustrations. I hope any and all of those who read this blog recognize this. This blog is first and foremost a very PERSONAL outlet for me. I am not a philosophical, theological, or political writer. I am simply a mom and just an average woman finding her way in this world. I may comment on theology or current events, or I may simply use my computer keyboard to "punch out" my little life's frustrations, anxieties, and troubles. I put myself at risk by doing this. It seems I may have gotten "burned" by the RAW openness of my 2 most recent and very personal posts, which the Anon. writer references.

Let's clear things up right now. I in no way feel I am superior to ANY other person. Yet, as I clearly point out in my "Shining my halo" post I do feel extremely BLESSED by God to be on the path I am on. To point out the differences I have with most other women I know and am in contact with is not in of itself an ATTACK on these women personally. Rather it is a rejection of values which conflict with my own. I am reminded of the phrase "love the sinner, hate the sin." and I think it is very fitting here. My hope is that ALL people come to experience the blessings and the great graces I have been given in my life. But it must be said that it does not happen by magic. I sacrifice a lot in order to remain open to these graces and blessings.

Those who know me well, know that I am neither arrogant, nor uncharitable towards my neighbors (in this sense I mean ALL my fellow humans). I am though - human. I do get worn down and exhausted by the lack of understanding I am given. I am not really living a "very holy life" as the Anon. writer says. It's just a simple life that God calls me to live. But I AM living a counter cultural life. Doing that can wear on a young mother from time to time. In those moments she may need to vent a little on her blog. But most assuredly she doesn't need a lecture.

A More POSITIVE Note

We recently received these photos (and an update) from my brother-in-law, Martin. The expansion is going well and I am happy for them to be rid of their old bathroom tile (that's geared toward Kelly) and for them to have the space to stand fully erect in their attic (that's geared toward Martin). Mostly, I'm glad to re-focus my attention on those I love dearly! I have been moody, cranky, and anxious as of late (as some may have gathered from my posts). When I see pics of my sister and my brother Martin, I am reminded of who I love and who loves me! That makes a WORLD of difference despite the miles that separate us. I miss them terribly! They're some of the (very) few people who actually "get" me and still like me anyway!

Filling Their VOID with My Family

One of the things I most often hear when I am pregnant or have a new little one to care for is "Oh, I'd love to have another baby but (fill in excuse here)...so I'll just have to come over to your house to get my 'baby fix' in...ha ha ha ha" The next thing that I most often hear is...If these "nice" people haven't noticed by now I am the mother of five, I am openly pro-life, I home school my kids, I go to church and talk about my faith openly, I LOVE my husband, I enjoy HIS company above anyone else's, I have a statue of the Blessed Mother in my yard... Stop talking to me like I am an imprisoned idiot who needs SAVING!!!!!!!! I am perfectly HAPPY as I am. I WANT to be with and enjoy the company of my family. I long for evenings ALONE with my husband. I get great satisfaction and happiness from caring for my little people and being "tied" to them 100% I am not some fool who's forgotten that "sex makes babies" and I am certainly not in need of having my eyes opened to the "real fun" life has to offer. I am a woman called by GOD HIMSELF to serrve HIM through service to my family. Mine is a position of HONOR and DIGNITY... God has given you all families of your own... If there is a void you feel deep in your heart, then search your soul for the answer lies there indeed. The comfort, the goodness that is found in my family cannot be absorbed by proximity to us but rather can only be modeled after. That requires sacrifice and work. This is what you are unwilling to commit to.
... have huge holes in their hearts and are eternally searching for some way to fill the void.


*** This post has been edited in order to remove all content that may have been previously viewed as uncharitable and hurtful. I have done much reflecting on these points and have therefore decided to self-edit in order to spare feelings and myself from being labeled for lack of a better word a self-righteous JERK!

Zucchini Coming Out of Our Ears

Today I just picked 5 more zucchini.

Mom says I'll need to shred and freeze some for bread etc. For now I've been just happy to bread 'em and fry 'em up. Yummy!! I think my neighbors may be seeing some zucchini headed their way as well. One can only eat so much of it...

The thrill of victory...the agony of defeat...the human drama of athletic competition...all at the local Park District Triathlon...

Last weekend the girls participated in a triathlon for kids. There were 3 age categories - 6-8, 9-11, and 12-14. Awards were given for each age category and separated into boy winner and girl winner. Mary got first place in her age group for girls. Morgan placed third in her age group for girls. All first and second place finishers received a plaque and their picture in the paper. Mary Grace couldn't have been happier! Finally the second born syndrome was broken! She felt so good to actually accomplish something without having to stand in her big sister's shadow! Morgan felt horrible. Not because of Mary's success. But, rather because (being the typical first born perfectionist that she is) she felt like she had failed. To be fair the competition in her age bracket was much more intense and was just simply larger (more kids participated in the 9-11 group than any other). Tim and I were so proud of both of them for just finishing and not giving up (as some kids did). One thing to be said of my kiddos - they're not quitters and we've taught them to always give it their all - 100%! Boy oh boy did they! It was a great experience and Tim and I have decided to make it a family tradition to have the kids participate EVERY year. Of course Tim and dad IMMEDIATELY started strategizing and planning for next year. "we need to really train...we'll need to get bigger bikes...work on the transition from pool to bike to make it more efficient...etc." Tim was gleeful to say the least every time he'd see either Morgan or Mary Grace pass up another child! He'd say "Did you see that? Mary came from behind ... Morgan came from behind and now she's ahead..." "Get 'em Morgan... get 'em Mary..." You think we might be a tad bit of a competitive family? Anyhow, it was lots of fun and MANY lessons were learned. That's the great thing about athletic competition - it teaches so many important character building and virtue strengthening lessons. That, and it makes mom and dad feel REAL PROUD!

Mommy's Garden

Well our tomatoes, cucumbers, and zucchini are a BIG success. Our

beans, cauliflower, and strawberries are not so good...But what matters most is who gets to use the hose and the sprayer anyhow.

Also, I planted butterfly bushes, lots of roses, boxwoods, jasmine, and honeysuckle. These plants will most likely not "do" too much for me this year. But NEXT year watch out! We also made a place amidst the roses for the Blessed Mother. This is something I've wanted to do for a while now so it's good to know she's now displayed in our yard as I'd hoped.

Better Than A Dozen Long Stemmed Roses

"I picked these for you mom."

In the Sandbox

A rare photo of Mary Grace and Collin playing TOGETHER without trying to kill one another! Yet you can see by the expression on Mary's face that she's not too thrilled with the experience.

Juicy Fruit..."Line Up!"

Poppy ALWAYS has Juicy Fruit Gum.

His grandkids LOVE this fact.

Poppy says "OK everybody, line up!"

Distribution begins...everybody's happy.