Size Does Matter

Kelly, Martin and the kids arrived 2 weeks ago. They left yesterday, Easter Sunday. It was difficult. There was a lot of crying. We had a lot of fun with one another this past visit. As our children grow older they are able to play together better and as we grow older we've all learned to "mellow out" a lot more! We laugh more and worry less and that makes for a great time!

My favorite Germans all stayed with mom and dad the first week where they hung out, shopped and went to a candy factory for a tour. Then they all transferred over here, where they helped complete a dollhouse two years in the making, took a trip to Chicago, and celebrated birthdays and Easter Sunday. We were able to squeeze in a visit to our cousin Traci's house and see a lot of our cousins we rarely get to see. That was a lot of fun too!

My thoughts about this last visit from my German family?

No matter what anyone says, size does matter.

There is an energy, a depth of love and joy, that comes from a large family. This is of course not to say that the love of a small family is shallow or somehow less great than a large family but it is lacking something that just can't be duplicated or faked.

Regardless of the many imperfections and "dysfunctions" that come along with having a large family (or any family for that matter), the sheer number does make a difference. Size does matter. More people means more sacrifices, more expenses, more demands - yes, yes, yes.
But, more people means more laughter, more "moments", more friendships, more growth, more learning, more sharing, more giving, more love!

There's a saying that's used to calm the fears of a young mother who worries if she'll have enough love for baby number two. Thinking that it's not possible to love another little person as much as she does the first she may get this advice from a more experienced friend - You do not divide your love between your children. Y.our heart, your capacity to love, grows larger in order to love each one!

Considering this truth, who would not recognize the benefits of a larger heart and therefore of a larger family? I suppose only those who have never experienced the thrill of walking into a noisy, crowded kitchen, loud with laughter and filled with the smell of coffee, to squeeze through a maze of adult legs just to snag a cookie from the table and then run off with ten or so of your cousins to go play some game you just made up together. Those moments matter. They shape you. I believe, make you love people and appreciate them as little treasures, each one. Large families can help to inoculate those who are a part of them, from the concept of babies as burdens, and people as products, that so infects our culture today.

I have been blessed twice by God in this regard. I grew up loving the crowd at Christmas time and the Fourth of July at Gram's house. I loved all the loud voices and the laughter. Now God has given me the great opportunity to build my very own family filled with chaos and noise. I grumble still as I sweep the kitchen floor for the hundredth time in one day. But yet, there is a deep and abiding peace in my heart that no material possession or amount of free time could ever bring me. This is the grace of a large family. Thank you God!

I hesitate to do this but...

This is me at 19 weeks with our newest little one... This pic is for all those friends I haven't seen in a VERY long time! Also, it's to document my "roundness" so as not to forget (how could I!) This is truly me - the italian-nosed, cheesy smilin' mom with her fifth "bump" shown proudly!

Treasure In Clay

Just started Bishop Fulton J. Sheen's autobiography - Treasure In Clay. Only got as far as page 2 before I had to stop and share the awesome ability of this man to describe things in a way that cut straight through to the heart. He starts by explaining that his autobiography is not his own...his explanation of his life's story in paragraphs five and six is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read...

That autobiography is the crucifix - the inside story of my life not in the way it walks the stage of time, but how it was recorded, taped and written in the Book of Life. It is not the autobiography that I tell you, but the autobiography I read to myself. In the crown of thorns, I see my pride, my grasping for earthly toys in the pierced Hands, my flight from shepherding care in the pierced Feet, my wasted love in the wounded Heart, and my prurient desires in the flesh hanging from Him like purple rags. Almost every time I turn a page of that book, my heart weeps at what eros has done to agape, what the "I" has done to the "Thou," what the professed friend has done to the Beloved.

But there have been moments in that autobiography when my heart leaped with joy at being invited to His Last Supper; when I grieved when one of my own left His side to blister His lips with a kiss; when I tried falteringly to help carry His gibbet to the Hill of the Skull; when I moved a few steps closer to Mary to help draw the thrust sword from her heart; when I hoped to be now and then in life a disciple like the disciple called "Beloved"; when I rejoiced at bringing other Magdalenes to the Cross to become the love we fall just short of in all love; when I tried to emulate the centurion and press cold water to thirsty lips; when, like Peter, I ran to an empty tomb and then, at a seashore, had my heart broken a thousand times as He kept asking over and over again in my life: "Do you love Me?" These are the more edifying moments of the autobiography which can be written as a kind of second and less authentic edition than the real autobiography written two thousand years ago.

I truly love Bishop Fulton Sheen. I feel closer to him than I do many people I have contact with here on earth. I feel similarly about John Paul II who I call Karol in my private prayers... These men know me, I believe, and I constantly ask them for their help in my life. I miss both of them terribly - which I know probably makes no sense at all to most people considering I'd never met either one of them! But that's how it is for me...I have begun to develope a real relationship with these saints (and others) who help me to grow in my love for Jesus. I give all the credit in the world to the Blessed Mother first of all and then to the saints for helping me to see Jesus as a real part of my life. I used to see Him as a wonderful God who loved me from a distance, and I, Him, from a distance. Now, I see Him as "my Jesus". He is totally mine and I am totally His. Thank you Mother, Karol, Bishop, Therese...thank you all...

Duty vs Love

Had a major meltdown yesterday. Homeschooling the girls while chasing around Monica and cleaning up after "the mess maker" (otherwise known as "the mischief maker") is a truly thankless job. Most of the time I am easily sustained by a little pair of arms around my neck or an unusually insightful comment from one of my "big girls". But, yesterday there was no stopping it. I had to have a pity party for myself and gosh darn it everybody better darn well attend!

The day ended in an ugly exchange between friends and a tearful woman driving around with a rosary in her hand going no where at all. It occurred to this woman that often the cause of her "burn out" is due to the fact that she does everything with all her heart. She suffers from an overabundance of passion as it were. All this pouring out and pouring out and pouring out can lead to a real need for a "fill up".

Seeking a "fill up" she naturally goes to hubby and demands an immediate and extensive ego boost for all her "beyond the call of duty" accomplishments. Can't anyone understand how self-emptying it is to have 4 little ones, school 2 of them and be pregnant with the 5th? My heart listens to stories without a point, my heart wrestles with "am I teaching well?" - "am I failing my kids?" My heart rages from bruised heads and bad words between brother and sisters. My heart breaks as I wipe up the kitchen floor for the 5th time in an hour. My heart longs for something more as I do the mind numbing tasks of an ordinary housewife - darks, lights, fold, sort, put away...All this done out of love. Love of Tim, love of the kids, and most importantly love of God. But, I had had enough giving and thought it 'bout time to receive...

Duty. That's what's expected of you. That's just what moms do. That was my "fill up". Not quite what I was aiming for. But that's his perspective. That's how he does what he does. And so it occurred to that woman driving going no where that that's the crux of it. Duty vs. Love. Duty is practical, persistent, reliable, trustworthy. Love is passionate, painful, raw, total. Both are good things, good motivators. They force us to get the job done. But it seems to me (That woman) that women generally are motivated by love in all things big and small. From lacing up a pair of shoes, to finding a "favorite" cup, to teaching math and science, to carrying around another little person inside your body, it's all about love. For men, they feel a sense of duty. Duty to work, duty to provide, duty to discipline, duty to protect, duties which need to be honored and done well, to the best of their ability. Now, he feels a sense of duty because he loves his family but each individual act is not filled up with himself. He's not really "pouring his heart" into that shelving system in the garage. He's not really putting all his love into every paycheck and every bill paid. Yes, he does it OUT of love but that's totally different, and not nearly as DRAINING as doing it WITH love in all things great and small.


So, where does that leave me post meltdown? On empty. But not hopeless. If the source of my sorrow is a draining of love than what better solution than to go directly to the source? God is my "fill up". He knows just what I need. I need to be filled with His love so that I can better do His work. The work of a woman is truly to be God's hands and feet. I should therefore not be filled with self-pity and searching for an ego boost. Rather, I should feel glad that He has found me worthy of this womanhood He has called me to. As for my hubby, being a man I guess I seem a strange species to him at times. My meltdowns are a total mystery to him - as it should be I suppose... I will always go to him for everything I need as a woman, and a wife, and a mother, and he will provide it to the best of his ability. But, I have learned that I must go to Him for everything I need as a SOUL, and only He can provide that!

God's Gifts - They're There for the Taking...

Just read another Bishop sheen essay...he's amazing! He wrote of God's gifts. This is the sentence that sparked this picture I scratched off quickly while the girls did some schoolwork...

"God may want to give us something but cannot, because our hands are full of tinsel."

So Many Books Not Enough Time Not Enough Money

Every time I read some great book or listen to some great speaker I find myself pining away for another book. Bishop Sheen tends to reference MANY books and authors in his essays and it only makes my list of "must reads" that much longer!

Today I read some great G K Chesterton quotes. This of course has made me re-commit to buying and reading some of his books. Poor Tim, he gets a big bill and a messy house all due to my passion for reading. When I really need shoes I'd rather buy a book, and when I really need to do the laundry and clean the floor I'm off hiding from my chores with a book in my hand!

Thank goodness he loves me so much!

Here are those quotes from Chesterton that prompted my craving for just one more book "fix"

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried."

What's Wrong With The World

"He is a very shallow critic who cannot see an eternal rebel in the heart of a conservative."

Varied Types

"Most modern freedom is at its root, fear. It is not so much that we are too bold to endure rules; it is rather that we are too timid to endure responsibilities."

What's Wrong With The World

Learning How To Love

There are some days when I think to myself "What in the world have I gotten myself into?" The house is mess, I'm surrounded by questions, requests, and demands - all immediate of course! The kids seem to be endlessly fighting and bickering over the most trivial of things.

But then there are days like today. Days like today make me proud to be a mom. More specifically, proud to be Morgan, Mary Grace, Collin, Monica and ?'s mom!

Today is Monica's 2nd birthday. Last night I made a cake and told the kids we'd wait until later today to celebrate. But as I came downstairs this morning my kitchen was filled with a flurry of action. The girls were making decorations, paper crowns, cards, while Collin set the plates and glasses and flatware out. He was sure to go ahead and get the cake out as well and place it in the center of the kitchen table for all to admire! They were humming and grinning and there was a skip in their steps as they did these things. All the while I watched I was filled with a warm satisfaction. So, I let the party happen at 9am! Oh well, Tim would be late tonight and would've had to miss it anyhow...so I caved and when they asked "mom can we sing for Monica now pleeeeeeease?" I said "sure". They had done all these things with such great love that I couldn't ruin it for them. Monica was put on her "throne" and treated as the star of the show.

The candles were lit and the singing began. I watched the kids faces and they all were watching Monica's. Her joy pleased them and they were so satisfied. I was so proud at that moment. I knew that they understood how to love. Love is about the other, not the self. Love is in the giving. These family moments (largely due to the fact that I'm homeschooling) afford my kids the opportunity to learn how to love, and love well. It really is true that QUANTITY of time matters more than "quality time". In order for a moment to be effective as a learning tool it must be genuine and unforced. Planning a whole themed, color- coordinated party for Monica, while my other ones were off at school, each doing their own separate thing, would have made for a better photo-op, but it would have NEVER taught my kids about the meaning of LOVE.







And so I am satisfied today with the job I'm doing. I can't tell you how rare that is. I often second guess myself when we fall behind in school and the kids are driving me batty. But when I see them LOVE one another it gives me HOPE! I must be doing something right. Right God?

Mary Grace's Birthday - March 5th

Mary got her special Hi-Way Bakery cake and her favorite senior citizens for her birthday! I can't put into words how much the kids LOVE their Grandparents!

The pictures speak for themselves...

Dad vs. pop culture

Whether we like it or not (or for many people) whether we know it or not, we are in a battle against the culture for the souls of our children. I choose to reflect here on our daughters. I will save my thoughts on the raising of our sons for another day and another post. Let me just say this about our boys. We have de-masculinized them far too much for far too long and now we will reap the consequences of having a raised generation of weakling, feminized boys who haven't the tools required to make the transition into authentic manhood.

That being said, I want to focus on our girls and this is prompted by the photos I've posted here. Tim took the girls to our Homeschool Groups's Annual Father - Daughter Dance in February. Needless to say the girls were thrilled to have a night out with their dad. They felt so special and so "grown-up" to be going out just with dad like that. This was their first time having an occasion like this but it will not be their last. It impressed upon them everything our current pop culture chooses to ignore, hate, or distort.

First of all, it provided them a sense of sacredness of the father - daughter relationship. It wasn't that fake "I'll chase away the boys with a stick" posturing many dad's do today just for the sake of humor. I've seen it a million times. A young girl begins to grow up and become a beautiful young lady and someone will say to dad "Well, you're gonna have to keep your eye on her eh?" wink wink...to which the dad responds with a chuckle "Ya, I'm not gonna let 'er outta the house 'til she's 30 - hee hee hee" But this is more often than not just posturing. I WISH dad's felt a REAL sense of urgency and responsibility to protect and defend their daughters' honor and dignity but in the real world it just doesn't turn out that way. These same dad's send their daughters to school wearing hip huggers and a half shirt and don't engage their daughters in any sort of meaningful conversation beyond "how's school goin'?" and "what time did you need me to pick you up?"
Now, I don't mean to pick on dads. They are working hard. They are providing for their families, meeting every body's material needs. They try to pepper their interactions with hugs and compliments when they can. They may even go the extra mile and develop special time set aside for their daughters - just dad and his girl/girls. That's great! But in today's world it's just not enough!

We used to live in a world where we could depend upon the culture - the church, the school, the neighborhood, the community, fellow parents, the media, to reinforce our values at best or remain neutral on these matters at worst. Now, pop culture is not simply devoid of examples of the honor and dignity of girls growing into women. It is at war with the whole concept of girls being truly special and in need of protection and deserving of honor. "Hey! it's the 21st century - we're equal! We get to be as big of pigs as the men we love to complain about don't ya know?"
The poor dad's now in their 20's, 30's and 40's trying to raise their daughters have been summarily brainwashed by our Oprah Winfrey culture into thinking it's not their place to interfere with the "private business" of women. They have been led to believe they must take a more hands off approach to their daughters because they are men and "men just don't understand" what it means to be a woman. So, they feign what was once a reality for fathers - obligation to protect their daughter's dignity. Maybe they feign this to provide comic relief for a moment of feeling awkward. But maybe there's a deeper calling within every man, within every father, to truly BE that hero! Have we so belittled and be raided our men over the years, to the point where they are ashamed of their own natural instincts, thinking they will be seen as club carrying cavemen, instead of just plain old decent fathers? They hide behind humorous little comments about putting their daughters in towers and leave it at that.

Dads - in today's culture you must nurture that father - daughter relationship to a level you're probably not familiar with and most likely will not be comfortable with. But wars demand much sacrifice of soldiers and surely we are at war. It is not enough to love your daughters, to provide for them and keep them safe from physical harm. What is required is heroic. You must daily reinforce the concept of girls being special, and of their bodies being sacred. You must develop a private relationship with your daughters outside of the one you have with your whole family. This means apart from the direction of your wife. We moms tend to be know it alls. This can be very destructive. We always think we know just what's best to say and do for our children. Well meaning though we may be, we often undercut our husbands and their own natural God-given instincts. After a while they just throw up their hands and say "To hell with it! I'll just turn in the paycheck and I'm done!"

Dad's MUST stay closely connected to their daughters. They must be the primary source of their concepts of beauty, grace, and femininity. A dad who regularly takes note of his daughters' appearance, behavior, and attitude, and colors each of these with God's ideal, along with his own wisdom and life experience serves his daughters well. Girls need attention. Lots of it! They need to be noticed, complimented, reassured, and treasured. A father who makes sure to fill up these needs to overflowing needn't worry as much as the one who leaves his daughter empty and searching for someone to fill these needs for her. Trust me - she'll find a way to have these needs met one way or another.

I'm aware that this is a tall order for you dads. You are working very hard just to provide the best that you can. This requires you to step out of your comfort zone and say and do things that feel "forced" at first. But the reason this all may seem "forced" and "staged" is exactly because our culture has been so far removed from the natural order of things. We have twisted the natural order so significantly that at this point what is true and good is not only hard to determine, but may at times seem to not be true and good at all. That is the way of evil. It takes all things and distorts them beyond recognition. I guarantee that after a few months of practicing these types of "old-fashioned" fathering concepts you'll be feeling liberated to be a MAN again! Take charge of your family and be a LEADER once more. No woman should ever fear being lead by a Godly man, for he leads his family to God. The chauvinist bully was never God's intention, but a creation of man's own sin and pride. We've thrown the baby out with the bath water. Women needn't demand that THEY be in charge, when men fail to live up to their God-given obligations. They ought to demand that GOD be in charge when our men fail us. For it is due to a lack of obedience to God on the part of man, that makes men bad, not manhood itself!

The other great lesson learned by my girls going with their daddy to the Father - Daughter Dance was beauty comes from God. My girls will quickly answer this question without hesitation - "who is the most beautiful woman in the world?" to which they respond "the Blessed Mother" Why do they say this? First of all because it's true. But, the idea behind this response is one I have tried to instill from early on. Beauty comes from God. The more God's grace is within you the more beautiful you become. Logically then, the woman "Full of Grace" is the most beautiful! My daughters aspire to be filled with grace. When they falter or fall I remind them of how ugly their souls will become if they continue on this path - the thought of that is grotesque to them and they change their tunes very quickly! Unlike a world-centered view of beauty which sees beauty as coming from (our modern day god) Self, a beauty comes from God, concept allows a person to be eternally beautiful. Our culture worships the Self and specifically the young Self. We love Youth! We love rock hard abs, and tight buttocks, perky breasts, etc. But these things don't last forever, and we resort to drastic measures to hang on to this beauty for as long as possible. Now don't get me wrong. I want my girls to be active, fit, and well-groomed. I don't say to hell with societal standards let your armpits get hairy and wear burlap! But my first priority, my main emphasis, is on the beauty of their souls. The beauty of their bodies will naturally follow. For when we serve God and He fills us up, how can it be that His Divine Presence will not shine through us and make us beautiful?

Getting dressed for the dance with their dad, the girls giggled and talked. They turned to one another and said "Oh you look beautiful" "You look like a princess" "You look like a bride" and they held their dresses and twirled around for daddy to see. He said in turn "You look beautiful" and they grinned and giggled and leaped for joy! Their daddy just reinforced everything in them that is pure and good with three little words! They felt that and they leaped for joy! Their evening continued with daddy and they danced and took pictures. They even got to walk under a sparkling canopy of little white lights down a long white runner arm in arm with their dad. They announced each dad's name along with the names of his daughters. Tim said that this was the highlight of the night. "Now, we'd like to introduce to you all, Mr. Timothy ------- and his beautiful daughters, Morgan, and Mary Grace." Applause. A small, but not insignificant victory, in this war against the culture. My husband and I will continue to fight the good fight, protect and defend our daughters' dignity and honor, and to guide them and direct them to the true nature of femininity, womanhood, and beauty. God bless and help all those other parents seeking to raise their daughters well in a world that makes it so very difficult. Keep swimming upstream and never give up!

YouTube

YouTube
the Jesus - "13" - song I heard connection...click "gets me thinking" then go to the video titled "Jesus Is Savior"

"the children are our future" - at times... a SCARY thought

A while back I had the great misfortune of stumbling upon the movie "13" while flipping through the channels. I caught it from the beginning and could honestly only stand to watch the first 35 minutes or so of it. I was horrified! I had vaguely remembered an Oprah episode commenting on this movie a while back and that's what got me to stop and take note of this movie in the first place.
This story is the classic train wreck that you just can't take your eyes off of. I sat and watched and prayed - actually called out to Jesus to help young girls like this. I was so saddened by the story which seemed to ring very true to me. Having worked in the social services field (prior to motherhood) specifically with troubled teenage girls I saw a lot of behaviors that were depicted in the movie. What really scared me though was how loving yet helpless and inadequate the mother was...she wasn't "an abuser" but she was damaging her daughter so profoundly by her BLINDNESS.
I feel this is at the core of many of the troubles our young people are having today. Parents just don't know HOW to love their kids rightly or in other cases they are just too damn selfish and self-absorbed to make the sacrifices necessary to love their kids rightly. This leaves kids to raise themselves and they're likely gonna do a horrible job of it! Politicians love to say "the children are our future". In fact that's one of those political catch phrases that's been known to make me GAG! But, they never seem to take note of how poorly our children are prepared for their futures. Another college grant or more health care coverage isn't gonna do much for the empty holes left in these young people's hearts and souls!
So, I have been reflecting on this movie - "13" - and praying about it...There's a song I've heard on the radio while driving a number of times...I've always said "hey that song is perfect to explain how Jesus can CHANGE lives!" I'd drive along and sing the words and think about how perfectly this song can illustrate the radical power of Jesus' love for us and how immediately transforming that love is once you TRULY accept it...
OK, what does THAT have to do with the rest of this post? - I stumbled upon another video at YouTube that uses images of Jesus and scenes from the movie "13" all set to that song I just mentioned!!!!! I was floored! Somebody else out there made all the same connections I did and instead of just letting them float around their head they actually put it all together in a video! Perfect! Please watch by clicking on the You Tube post title above... one of these days I'm gonna figure out how to link these kinds of things properly...until then please excuse all my technological inadequacies.

No More "Brace-Face" !!!!!!

Today, Morgan got her braces off! She came out with the Doctor and practically ran into the waiting room grinning ear to ear. I couldn't take my eyes off of her or her beautiful smile! WOW! As we walked out to the suburban I kept saying "Morgan look at me - smile" Then I'd shake by head in disbelief and walk another 5 feet and say "Morgan look at me - smile" We celebrated all the way home and all the kids took turns saying "Hey Morgan - smile" What a great day! How blessed I am to have happy healthy children. Thank You God! And another thank you MUST go to her orthodontist as well, of course!

YouTube

I found this beautiful video of scenes from The Passion of The Christ set to Third Day's "Love Song". I found it to be a great way to reflect on the sacrifice made by my God for me during this Lenten season. I always find it difficult to stick to my sacrifices during Lent. I am very weak in this regard I suppose. I often find myself apologizing to my Jesus for failing Him so often...seeing this video has helped me renew my committment to Him. I want to serve you my dearest Jesus, help me to sacrifice with Love as you did. Please watch - YouTube

True Friendship

True friendship is rare and is most definitely a gift from God!

Amy and I have been friends since we were toddlers. Her auntie Glor (by blood) is my auntie Glor (by love). (Glor and mom went to h.s. together and are still friends today)

We've had lots of laughs together and quite a few fights too! We've changed radically over the years...our lives have changed radically is maybe better put! There have been the best moments of our lives shared (like our weddings and the births of our children - well mostly my children - my four to her one). There have also been some very dark and sad times too.

We may not talk for a month or see each other in a couple of months, and yet when we finally do talk you just can't shut us up!

My friendship with Amy has all the hallmarks of true friendship. We are totally comfortable with one another without makeup, hair a mess, and pimples a plenty. We can have very important conversations which we do not interrupt by bathroom breaks but instead just continue the conversation in the bathroom without missing a beat! We can have moments of laughter where your face hurts and you can't catch your breath. We tell one another about those ugly truths - the weaknesses in our characters - and don't fear rejection or judgement, just some good advice. We live our lives and aren't "up each other's butts" every moment, and yet this never hurts our relationship or makes us insecure about it. We can complain about our husbands without it turning into a "bash the boys" session, knowing that the listening party always can keep these complaints in perspective and knows that our men are good men to the last. We can argue, disagree, fight tooth and nail over something and when it's over it's OVER! No grudges or hard feelings. We respect each other's differences - and there are many! We have conversations that really matter - "fluff " is discussed, but it's kept to a minimum. I ALWAYS feel BETTER after having spent time with, or having spoken with Amy. This is true friendship. Thank you God for my friend - Amy. Thank you Amy, for being my friend.






**** Note - these pictures are (all except the ones of Amy holdin' Monica and Amy posed with Morgan) from junior high and high school so please don't laugh at us too much!

A Day Spent Crying

Today was a day spent crying. No, I'm NOT depressed! But, I did have an opportunity for some quiet alone time. Being a homeschooling mom of 4 there's not much time for quiet reflection to take place. I rarely am without my kids...rarer still am I given over an hour of quiet to do nothing else but reflect on life and love. The best place for me to do this is in the car. Today I had to drive to m&d's to get the kids and that's a little over an hour each way. The kids fall asleep or are otherwise tranquilized by the heater (I sometimes crank it up intentionally to encourage sleepiness) and the vibration of the ride itself.

So, I tuned the radio to the Christian station and started thinking...I thought about Fr. Burns, aunt Bonnie, uncle Mike, uncle Pat, Grandma Maxwell, ........
I thought about all those people who are gone now who I have loved and continue to love even in death. Bishop Sheen said in one of his essays that to love rightly is to love the living like we love the dead. Meaning that how we love the dead gives us a good example of what is required to truly love - love simply for the sake of the beloved. They cannot love us in return or speak to us or give us any satisfaction or comfort at all. But we love them. We do not love their bodies. We do not love their presence. We love their spirits - their essence - their souls! We love them as the person God made them and that is how we should love the living!

So, these people filled my heart. I started to think about all I've gained by knowing them. I spoke to them. I asked them to help me, to pray for me. I thought of aunt Bonnie and the last time I spoke with her. I needed her advice and so I just called her...we talked about life and trying to serve Jesus...how hard it can be at times. She said something I won't share here but I'll say it sure did make me laugh! I felt close to aunt Bonnie for two specific reasons. This was despite the fact that we lived far away from one another and didn't see each other as often as I would have liked. The first is because she seemed very real to me. Aunt Bonnie didn't put on a different mask to suit the occasion. Bonnie was Bonnie was Bonnie - period. I loved that! I respected that and this genuineness made me want to know her and be close to her. The second reason was actually the inverse of the first. I felt she loved me for me. I could be real with her. She seemed to "get" me, where as most people do not. That is so rare in life - another person being genuine with you and also allowing you to be genuine with them. Only in marriage and a handful of other family/friend relationships have i found this kind of unique and completely Christian love. (A scary thought for me is that out of these handful only 2 are under the age of 50)

The same holds true for Fr. Burns and grandma Maxwell. They saw me for me. They "got" me. Many of today's tears were shed over the loss of affirmation I found in these people. They seemed to say to me without using words - "I know who you are Kris, and I love you". Sadly, the number of people who "get" me is dwindling. This leaves me feeling lonely and kind of abandoned really. So, today was a day spent crying. The faces and voices of those people whom I love filled my mind as I drove in peace for an hour. I prayed to them. I praised Jesus for them. How much better my life is, I am, for having known them. Through people Jesus has been able to speak to my heart what finally occured to my mind today. HE will always be the one who "gets" me completely. The more I embrace Him, the less I will feel like a sheep without a shepherd.

Aunt Bonnie Pray for me!
Grandma Pray for me!
Fr. Burns Pray for me!

He Knows Me

He knows the poetry of my heart

He hears the words I never speak

Thoughts fill my mind that never find pen and paper

He knows the why's that make others wonder

He sees the tears that are hidden, the softness of my heart

He sits beside me and listens to every silent question

When I feel alone and without a companion

Like a sheep without a shepherd

He is there to say I love you - I know who you are.

Thank you Jesus for knowing me and loving me - I am nothing without You!