This is my fifth pregnancy. You'd think I'd have a handle on this by now. A handle on what? Feeling totally NOT beautiful while pregnant. I become an insecure wreck every time. My inner voice is conflicted. It tells me what a miracle I hold within and yet at the same time tells me I look like a
weeble wobble with breasts.
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I always try to play it off like it doesn't bother me. I try to focus on the TRULY miraculous nature of these times in my life. I always hate it when I meet a woman who whines and complains about pregnancy and its negatives. These women complain of fat and backache, and stretchmarks, and a forever changed body type etc. They always seem so fixated on their own desires and it's a real "turn-off" for me. Yet, I CAN relate to these complaints.
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With every pregnancy I've watched myself grow and change and I've had mixed emotions. This is true again. I am so eternally grateful that I CAN do this. I thank God for blessing me with another little one. But I also say "God? Can't you make me a size 2 with a little volleyball-sized bump that will magically disappear after delivery and transform into 6-pack abs within a week or so later?" he hasn't come through with this yet so I assume that He doesn't think it's too important. So why do I?
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I am a product of the culture and also a former workout -aholic. In college I used to workout at least 2 hours a day 5 days a week and I ran long distances around campus "just for fun". I did this partly because I loved running etc., but also because I felt like my body, my appearance was all I could offer this world. This attitude has changed. Thank God! But the remnants of a body-image obsession must still linger in the dark corners of my mind only to rear their ugly head with each and every pregnancy. I suffer from terrible bouts of self-loathing with every pregnancy.
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Over the past ten years I have really grown up. I have become a better and stronger person. Most importantly I have come to look at myself through the eyes of God more and see a deeper more spiritual significance for my very body and all its parts. Carrying each child in my womb, nursing my children at my breasts, holding my babies in my arms, using my body to run all the daily functions of our household rather than running long distances around campus, has taught me that my body is called to serve a higher function. I have come to see my body more as God's "hands and feet" called to serve than ever before. But the desire to radiate God's beauty is often overshadowed by a desire to radiate my own, and only my own.
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I want my body to myself as it were. I want it to be ALL mine! I want to shape it and mold it and display it as I see fit. I don't want to serve. I want to serve myself. My pride desires the approval and applause of others, who will look at me and say "Wow! She looks fantastic! And five kids no less!" This is my inner struggle. A Godly self image vs. a worldly self image. Lately I feel like I'm losing the battle.
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Tim endures the worst of it. I am needy. In a constant search of compliments, I demand to be noticed! It's not attractive! It's on the verge of desperation and that's NOT something that endears me to my husband. He loves my self-confidence and my humor, my straight forwardness and my easy going nature. All of which go out the window, when I'm feeling especially weeble wobble-like, and am hunting around for a compliment. In these times, it seems I constantly need to be reassured. Tim's not one to gush over anything, or anybody. He's definitely NOT a "sensitive" guy who rubs his wife's feet and tells her how she "glows radiantly" while pregnant. Normally, I'm not bothered by this. He's more of a do-er than a say-er in the love department. But I LIKE words. For goodness sakes I've got a blog! I am a talker. I am always trying to think of the "right words" to use and say. If only my own words were enough.
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In these times, when I struggle with the question of being "pregnant and beautiful ?", my own inner voice fails me. My own words are not enough. I can try to intellectualize all the wonderful things that I am and how great my role is in this world to God. I can try. But I fail. Only Jesus can speak to my heart. Only He can say the words I need to hear. Am I listening? Or have I been so wrapped up in my own thoughts and obsessions that I've failed to listen at all?
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I know that other moms must struggle with this too. We try to play it off with jokes and self-deprecating humor. Others actually choose to fore go the blessings of motherhood and avoid pregnancy all together. They cave in to the voices that tell them "blessed are the barren" because they stay in shape and look better in a tight pair of jeans! They rule out any more pregnancies because they see themselves with their own eyes and not God's eyes. Jesus, help me to see myself as you see me - help all mothers, especially pregnant women, to see that pregnant IS beautiful.
