Me - Drawn to gram's side by the powerful force called "baby"










Gram - telling a story and making that "face".



















Gram had a profound love and respect for priests. here she's holdin' Fr. Clem's hand.
















Here with Fr. Don and Stephanie.

Leona

Today I was going through boxes of pictures. In one, I found a couple of envelopes. Inside there were a few letters I'd kept. Some were from the Kairos Retreat I went on and then lead in high school. Others were just some special letters I saved. Two of these letters were from my grandmother.

I began crying even as I simply unfolded them. Seeing her handwriting was enough to bring back the memory of her hands and how they looked holding a pencil or a pen. I flashed back to watching her do crossword puzzles at her kitchen table and looking at her hands, bumpy with blue purple veins, but also soft and browner than mine. I can see those hands doing a lot of things. Peeling potatoes into a dented metal collander or crimping the edge of a pie crust...

Well anyway, I opened the letter and cried as I read these words:

October 5th,1991

Dear Kristan,

Just a few lines to tell you how much I love you and how glad I am to have you for a grand-daughter. I'm not very good at expressing my feelings but I'm sure you know how very much I love you. You have always been a joy to me to have around especially when I'm feeling low-down. You make things seem a lot better for me.

I especially remember times when grandpa was still with us and you would try to cheer me up because he was feeling so bad and he would be cross to me.

Needless to say you are much loved by me and no matter how things turn out for you - I will always love you!

Love and Prayers,
Grandma Maxwell

























I'm actually crying again as I re-write this letter onto the blog...I miss her so terribly!!! I am often at a loss for words to explain how connected I was to this woman. She was so much who and what I wanted to be when I grew up. I knew her life was difficult and far from glamorous. I could see that as a child, and yet I still so wanted to emmulate her.
How I wish I could talk with her now and share my joys and my trials as a wife and mother. How I'd love to laugh with her and cry with her. I never got the chance to look at her eye to eye. I was always just a little girl looking up at her. I'm ashamed that I wasn't more a woman by the time I got to college, so that I could reap the benefits of having a real "grown-up" conversation with her.
But, like college often does, I stayed stuck in my youthful self-centeredness instead of maturing into a full fledged adult! It wasn't until I became a mother myself that I considered all the things I'd have liked to ask her and learn from her. Then, it was too late. She'd already been taken from me.
I do talk to her daily in prayer. I have a picture of the sacred heart on my kitchen window ledge with a picture of her fixed just below Jesus heart. I stand there at my sink and I look up at her there. Once again, I'm looking up at her. I say to her "I love you gram. I miss you. I hope to make you proud." I can't wait to see her again. That is a great motivator for me - Do your best, try not to complain, and love, love, love them all!!

The Man I Love

The other day driving home something small but meaningful occured to me. I was all alone in the car with the music going - REALLY LOUD! I was so happy. A moment of freedom. I started down a path of self pity and also self importance. I started to think..."Gee, I never get away...I never go anywhere...look how easily I'm pleased, a little music and a drive and you'd think I won the lotto!..."

Then, I stopped. I stopped dead in my mental tracks. I looked at where I was - literally. Then, I thought better. I thought..."Wow, here I am driving a new car - a suburban...Tim worked so hard for this - he loves us so much...he just handed me the keys and said here you go Kris without any expectations at all...He gets up while we all sleep in the morning and often leaves before we're up...he wears worn out shoes and the same ol' pants and never complains..."

I realized at that moment that although I do so much for my family, I often also do a lot of "poor me-ing" that Tim NEVER does. Sure, I get to do the dirty work of laundry and diapers, but he carry's a burden of responsibility I really can't understand. HE IS the source of strength and perseverance that keeps this family running. I suppose if I were to use a car analogy it'd be like this: Tim provides the gas and I provide the daily maintenance that keep it in running order and together we both have a hand on the wheel steering the whole thing in the proper direction. But without him, we could not be. I love him for that. I love him for his hard work, his friendship, and his humor - especially his humor!

Since the day I met Tim, so long ago at the DQ in Carbondale, Il, he's been taking care of me. He met me at one of the lowest points of my life. Actually, I think it was THE lowest point. But, we found things to laugh about and joke about and soon he became the best friend in the world to me. He still is.

Those who know me, know that Morgan was a beautiful surprise to us. But, this disorder and anxiety of our lives back then never got to Tim. He was unwavering in his dedication to me and our little one. He gave up school and came up north here to work and once again take care of me and now our little one too. He worked long hard hours at Applebees in the kitchen. He worked his ass off! And then worked some more! NOT ONCE did he ever complain or show any kind of resentment towards me or my now growing belly. He WANTED to take care of us!

Then, he enrolled at Gov's State and started school along with work. He'd go to school all day and then work all night. He'd arrive home to our apartment around 2am and then he'd take a shower. Oh, how that greasy kitchen smell stunk!! Then he'd hit the books! He did this for almost three years. In the midst of all this of course was Morgan's birth. How joyful and happy that little apartment was. The brown shag carpet, the musty stairwell, the lack of furniture - none of it mattered to us. We went on laughing and celebrating our family together. I miss it kind of - the simplicity of that life was very humbling and purifying. It made me a better person. I thank God for it all!!

Also, Tim didn't let our circumstances, humble as they were, scare us into a lack of trust in The Almighty and His plans for us. You see, despite the shock and outright discouragement we got from other people, we were open to life. If that was what God planned for us then He was in charge. So, before Tim had finished school we were blessed with another baby - Mary Grace. What a graduation day for Tim. As he walked across that stage to get his diploma his family was there cheering for him. Two little girls were cheering their daddy on and I couldn't have ever loved Tim more than I did at that moment. Not because of the degree, but because of all the sacrifice and hard work I knew had gone into getting it. He did a hell of a lot more to EARN his degree than most average college students I know.

Then, with our focus on God and His plan for our little family we took a leap of faith again. Tim, scrounged together enough money to get us all tickets to Ireland to go on a spiritual pilgrimage of sorts. Tim was a knew convert to the Catholic faith. (oh ya, in between all his working and studying, he went to RCIA classes too!) What a GREAT trip that was. Tim, me and the two girls, and a map of Ireland! We rented a car and Tim drove his little family all over to see the holy places in Ireland! Once again we laughed and celebrated all the while. I ate up every moment and still can remember all the details of that trip like it was yesterday!

We have gone on to buy our first home and completely tear it up and re-do it again. Tim spent much time laying tile and cutting baseboard trim. I spent many a night re-plastering walls and painting, painting, painting. God blessed us again with a baby. This time a boy - Collin. We had a beautiful little home and nice neighbors and weren't too far from mom and dad. Then came another leap of faith.

We moved out here 3 years ago. It was difficult. But I have learned a very important lesson that Tim has been aware of already for years. I'd always say "Tim don't you get lonely? Don't you need friends?" and he'd say "that's why I've got you, Kris. You're my friend." I hated that answer. I was always searching for more...I am very close with mom and dad and mom especially I leaned on hard. Being out here, it is much harder to "lean on" anyone but Tim. I think I needed that. I needed to see that ultimately he IS my closest and dearest friend, and that when push comes to shove that that is ENOUGH.

Obviously I have friends and I still LOVE to talk mom's ear off. But, I've learned to say like Tim "I've got you - you're my friend." That, and also I've learned to call on JESUS a LOT more as well. There's nothing like a long bout of lonliness to get you praying and asking Jesus to help you out! That has been a real good growing experience for me as well.

Tim and I were blessed again with little Monica. Tim is working harder than ever. He puts in a lot of hours at work. It is often a very thankless job. He is naturally a dedicated and loyal employee - a rarity these days. He is very unappreciated. I guess that's what got me thinking the other day in the suburban...he has a thankless job and maybe I should be a little more thankful myself! God has been good to me. God has been so very very good to me.

Tim and I are now expecting baby number 5. They kids jumped up and down in the kitchen and then started running around with their hands in the air screaming like they'd just won the lotto! They are so excited! Tim and I are too. There's some nervousness because of my physical problems, but we believe that God will see us through. Once again Tim is taking care of me. He's not perfect - neither am I, but we see eachother clearly without pretense and we keep on loving eachother. That's what love is all about. I don't pretend you're perfect, but I choose to love you despite your imperfections.

Reason 1001 Why I Homeschool

These are pictures of Mary Grace dressed one school day here in our family room.

She is dressed as Saint Helen if you hadn't gathered that from the "royal" clothes, the crown, and the part of the True Cross she's holding. I was just searching through my online "albums" and came across these pics. It occured to me that this kind of thing is totally NORMAL at our house! I'm never phased by a child who asks "mom which should I be a nun or a martyr - or Both!?" Or a child who jumps up and down with GLEE when they tear open their Christmas gift to find a big fat book on the lives of the saints!

This is why I homeschool. So that my children can be filled with the joy and awsome wonder that comes from the innocence and purity I am able to DEFEND and PROTECT and NURTURE here at home! My kids are FREE to love the saints and dress up as them accordingly. They are free to have discussions over fishsticks and fries at lunch that range from "How long do you think I'll be in Purgatory?" That one started a hilarious examination of ALL of our behavior!!! To discussions like "why was St. Joseph only Jesus foster father? If he was REALLY married to Mary then wouldn't he be REALLY Jesus daddy?" This last one came from Mary Grace. That one! She's gonna push me to my intellectual and creative limit!!

Anyhow, I'm just glad that they're here with me getting the answers to these questions. I try my best to answer them BUT most importantly I NEVER make fun of them for the asking. I am SURE that all this kind of talk and celebrating of our Catholicity would NOT be thought "cool" in school!! In fact, in the time Morgan and Mary were both in Catholic School for goodness sake they both were seen as a little "too Catholic" as one child put it to Morgan... Enough said!

The Privilege of Being a Woman

The Privilege of Being a Woman is the title of a book.

( As usual I pick up 2 or 3 and start reading them simultaneously 'cause I just can't restrain myself enough to finish one and then go on to another...Currently it's The Fire Within, Life Is Worth Living, and The Privilege...) The Privilege...is written by Alice von Hildebrand and it was FANTASTIC!

It is an extremely easy read. Only 108 pages and very well organized. Basically it's about what it means to be truly woman or feminine. It looks at this point from a number of perspectives. The secular perspective, a biological and psychological perspective, and then the too often overlooked spiritual/mystical one.

It has a ton of noted refrences and that's great too 'cause I know that will lead me to other books. I've been leaning a lot more in the spiritual reading direction lately. I used to be a subscriber to politcal magazines and buy and read political books. Then I evolved into philosophy/persuasive argument books. Now I'm looking a lot more inward I suppose.

I came to realize that interest in politics can only be that really - interest. I can't TRULY effect change in that arena. Then there's philosophy and persuasive argument. These were helpful to me to help me to think more clearly about the WHY I believe what I believe. What I was yearning for was to get at my own root, my own wellspring. I am often VERY passionate about topics which lie close to my heart. My friends and close family have heard many a lecture/rant from me I'm SURE they'd rather not hear for the hundreth time!

I wanted to search for a path to get closer to God and to truly come to understand what He wanted from me. That's a question I've asked Him a lot. "What do You want from me God?" This question seemed frustratingly never answered. At least how I'd like it to be answered. Preferably in an audible, deeply masculine voice, booming from overhead saying "Kris, here's what I want you to do..."

Well, I KNEW that wasn't gonna happen. I was lead by the Spirit to look in two places. My own womanhood was the first place. OK, so at a minimum, I know that I am supposed to be a woman as God made me. That's a start. So, I read The Theology of the Body and other books explaining this by Christopher West. I listened to lectures from theology of the body conferences and went to hear Fr. Thomas Loya a national speaker on these topics.

I was awestruck! I felt like I had struck personal and spiritual GOLD! AhHa! At last this is what I've been searching for. It held the key to unlocking the mystery of ME! I knew better what God wanted from me and that gives me great peace and also a great sense of purpose and direction. Now, the Holy Spirit led me to a second place. I was nearer to myself, my spouse, my vocation, now I must be nearer to God. The second place I investigated was contemplative prayer. This is why I chose to read The Fire Within - about St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila's spirituality and their true intimacy with God.

I must say this is definitely the more challenging and demanding of the two. Understanding the mystical spritual nature of human sexuality and womanhood and manhood in all their glory is eye-opening. But, understanding and attempting to be prayerful and dedicated to prayerfullness in order to attain an intimate relationship with God Almighty is beyond eye-opening, it's earth-shattering!

The level of commitment required to truly give yourself to God is a level of selflessness that I am not prepared for I guess. But I WILL TRY. God sees me TRYING and I know that He must grin a little at all my feeble pathetic attempts. I imagine this as the way a parent grins at a poorly drawn picture by their child. The picture is out of proportion, two-dimentional, simply FAR from a masterpiece! But, we love this little gift, this little drawing because it was given with love and it was our child's best attempt at re-creating something beautiful.

I thank God for my mind and my heart. I want to live out all my life learning more and more about Him and how to better serve Him. But more importantly, I want to live a life loving Him, the way He DESERVES to be loved. I'll keep trying. That's the best I can do!

"college" friends visit summer '06

Our "college" Friends

Tim and I attended SIU at Carbondale. I got there before he did. He was still active in the ARMY while I finished up my second year there. But we were destined to meet in the spring of 1995. Destiny and our place of work - The DQ on the edge of town. Tim the fry cook and me counter and icecream.
Needless to say we ate a lot of icecream and I recall Tim having quite a few chikn. strip baskets on lunch break! We shared work, and we also shared friends. We ended up holding on to two "college friends" through the years. Seems as if all the others just drifted away into a whole new life or sadly others are still stuck in college (mentally not literally)
But they say the cream rises to the top and so it does! Our only friends we still keep in contact with are truly high quality people. We are blessed to know them. Trisha and I don't see eachother as often as we'd like to and our hubbies are work-a-holics without a lot of time to go "visiting" so we rely on the phone and e-mails...
This leads me to these...Our summer visit. Trisha and her gang came up to visit me and mine...

Real Men - Part II

I came upon a blog article that tied in nicely with my older post about real men. The author compliments and sites another author on his article about the feminization of men today... I highly reccomend reading it. It's a quick read but very insightful.
http://jollyblogger.typepad.com/jollyblogger/2006/02/act_like_men_fr.html

LIFE IS PRECIOUS

Lord, help us to WELCOME every child as a GIFT - Amen.

A New Start

Well, just started back up with this book again. (Fire Within) I fell off the wagon about 3 mths ago. I MUST get back on track. My prayer life has faltered and I've been slowly sucked down the tubes of materialism, consumerism, and shallow entertainment.

I've succumb to the barrage of media assaults - Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears, Saddam's hanging, J.Z. - "show me what you got pretty mama..." and all the other CRAP you find standing in the check out line at the grocery store!

Help! Save me! I must return to prayer. I must fill my time with good books. I must do more housework (yes, sadly that IS still possible) and less daydreaming about whatever superficial garbage enters this clouded brain of mine. It's time to step out of the fog. I suppose I've let a lot slide lately because of the many deaths the family's experienced. But really that's a poor excuse. I told Fr. Bill that last time I saw him. Just when I'm in a difficult time in life, a time when I should be MORE prayerful and focused on Jesus, - I turn away from Him, and look to the big black box in our family room for comfort. (along with plenty of snacks too)

It's a new year - 2007. So, I begin with a little help from St. Teresa of Avila. Fire Within is about her approach to prayer and how to achieve contemplative prayer. Just reading the book makes me re-focus my mind on what really matters.

I highly recommend it to everyone. I tell you this book and my study of JPII's Theology of the Body have been LIFE CHANGING! Through one (theology of the body) I've learned to see the mystical meaning of human sexuality and the heavenly purpose of my own feminity) Through the other (St. Teresa of Avila's 7 mansions) I've learned that prayer is so much more than words and that God wants to touch us deeply if we only let Him. He wants to be our lover - in the purest sense of the word! WOW! It's mind-blowing stuff!!

Well, as much as I'd love to stay here and write about more mind-blowing books and theology, I have to go do the mind-numbing tasks of a simple stay at home mom!
Duty calls!

Ready for Company

My children are upstairs cleaning their rooms right now. Well, truth be known it is more likely Morgan and Mary Grace are cleaning their room and Collin is "shooting" his gun at some invisible bad guys. Monica is still considered exempt from cleaning detail....but not for long.

We'll be having friends over tomorrow. So, jelly MUST be wiped from the spindles on kitchen chairs. Dirty footprints MUST be wiped from the walls. Yes, yes, I DID say FOOTprints, not fingerprints... There are many climbing attempts made here. Most often by Collin. Lastly, there's the laundry. Ah, my favorite! Sort, wash, move to dryer, fold, sort again, put into baskets, send to designated rooms....This is where we get stuck! Baskets make their way to rooms with Downy fresh clothes all folded and ready to be put away and THEN....they go absolutely no where fast! But company is coming! So those baskets MUST be emptied.


Speaking of company - we had some yesterday. Aunt Colette came over and visited with us. That was really nice. I'm glad I "got her to myself" for a time. We laughed and remembered and laughed some more.

This is the Holiday Season. We all get more company this time of year. I know that I often get too preoccupied with fixing up the house and I don't let myself just enjoy my company's company. I hope to keep it in perspective today as we prepare. I'll try not to be an overbearing drill sgt.
Well, maybe just a little...

Some of my kiddos need more extreme measures to motivate than others. I bet youcan't guess which one - could it be the little boy ready for battle here on the left? - Nah - he's no trouble...he he he

Thank God he's such a cutie. It helps mom to forgive a LOT of mess-making, danger-causing, trouble on a daily basis. That's my boy!

Die Familie

"Die Familie" means "the family" in German. My sister Kelly married my brother-in-law Martin 11 years ago. (is it 11?) Seeing as he is a German citizen, they "set up shop" there. They have three beautiful children. Sarah, Toby, and Miriam.

I just got off the phone with them a moment ago. We miss them terribly! Our kids would love to be able to see and play with their cousins so much more. Tim and I love it when Kelly and Martin come to visit. They are one of the few (very few) couples we can really laugh with, talk with, and sometimes, argue with. They know us with all of our DEFECTS and still keep on lovin' us! Imagine that! They are more than family - they're friends!

We love you Our "Familie"!!

Merry Christmas

Well it's Christmas Day today! Mom and dad are here and Tim's stiring something on the stove. The kids are playing with Collin's gift from Santa - play dough and tools. My Italian cookies I made for last night's dinner were a hit. We went to mom and dad's for dinner with dad's side of the family.

Hopefully my upcoming entries will be uplifting and joyful. At the very least I hope them to be amusing. I hope to write NO MORE memorials for a while... Our family life will get back on track with schoolwork, cooking, cleaning, and plenty of laundry! There's always laundry to help make life seem "normal" again eh?

"Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" with John Candy and Steve Martin is on right now. We are all enjoying a reason to LAUGH!! It's nice to see mom (especially mom) laughing!! She needs it!

Patrick Maxwell

Patrick Maxwell died on December 18, 2006. He had just turned 51 on the 8th. Only weeks earlier he had lost his big brother (seen in this picture) to cancer. Michael was only 60.

I was completely shocked by the news of uncle Pat's death. Mom called me in the morning around 5:30am. She said "Kris, something very tragic has happened..." That's the perfect word for it - tragic. I had hoped that my uncle would be around for many many more years. He was a powerful influence on many people. He had the potential to lead so many by his humble example. He cannot do that now... and there in lies the tragedy.

My earliest memories of uncle Pat are the product of a fetish of mine. Anyone who knows me well, knows how I love to "groom" people. I like to do hair, rub lotion, give manicures, etc. Stephanie Maxwell can attest to the time I put into curling her hair (hours and hours... poor girl!) In this little "quirk" of mine lies my memory of uncle Pat.

Often I would spend the night at gram's house. (My love for her is a whole other story in itself) Gram would fix dinner and serve her two men (Pat and grandpa). After dinner, like clockwork, I'd say to my big burly uncle at the end of the table (the side nearest the sink) "Uncle Pat? Can I do your hair?" to which he'd respond "Sure, come over here. And you can rub my back too."

I'd gleefully skip off to the bathroom to collect my "supplies" and I'd set to work. I'd brush his hair. First this way, and then that way. I'd wet a comb and part it to the side. I'd brush his scraggley beard saying "I'm gonna smooth it out ok uncle Pat?" he'd respond with a "sure"

He said the word "sure" in a unique way. Those of you who knew him well KNOW what I'm talking about. He'd really curl his lips up and in a playful way say "sure". I can hear it! "sure" "sure" it's stuck in my mind!

Then, it was on to the back and neck. Or should I say the two walls of solid rock! My little hands couldn't massage that for the life of me! He was so tense from working all day that it seemed I wasn't even making a dent! But he'd give directions..."a little higher...to the right..."

I loved it! Every moment of it. Gram would be talking away to us as she cleaned up in the kitchen. Uncle Pat would interject here and there. It was glorious! In those moments I was special. I mattered. My little hands made a difference to somebody. It may seem silly but it adds up you know. Just sitting there for me and "going along" with my little girl ways. He didn't have to do that. But he was patient with me and all my hair brained ideas. That's how he loved me. He let me be a silly little girl who wanted to play with her uncle's bushy hair and beard.

My life took me "out of the loop" so to speak. After grandma died I didn't see uncle Pat very much. I was busy with college and then my own family and all that stuff. It's not really a very good excuse. I regret that. I was lucky enough to tell him as much though.

In uncle Mike's hospital room I was able to say, what it occurs to me were the last words I ever spoke to uncle Pat. Uncle Pat was sitting in the chair against the wall in uncle Mike's hospital room. I walked in and sat next to uncle Mike. I kissed him and told him how much I loved him. It was hard to see him so small and pale. But I wanted him to see my face. I wanted him to hear my voice saying "Uncle Mike I love you so much."

I stood up and turned my face away from him. I was crying and I didn't want him to see the tears on my cheeks. I looked straight at uncle Pat then, who sat directly opposite his brother. Uncle Pat looked back at me and his face was soft and full of compassion. So, I did something I should have done a thousand times over in the last 15 or 20 years - I threw my arms around his neck. As I hugged my uncle Pat, I said "I love you uncle Pat. And I'm sorry for being gone so much.." he tried to cut in with "it's ok Kris, don't worry..." but I continued "It's just that you take people for granted you know?" "Ive taken you for granted and I love you." He responded sympathetically "I know Kris, I know."

Well, God is good. He graced me twice that day. I was able to tell both my uncles how much I loved them. Now I need to live out the lesson learned. I will tell those I love that I love them. It's that simple.

Loved...Now Waiting...

I wait to see my loved ones again.

In the past 6 months I have lost many people whom I loved.

Allen Miller - my uncle and godfather.
Everett Maine - my grandfather
Vera Maine - my grandmother
George Falaney - my uncle
Michael Maxwell - my uncle
Joseph Burns - my priest and friend
Patrick Maxwell - my uncle

That's a lot of death. But, I choose to reflect on what they brought to my life, not the pain caused by their deaths. This helps me tremendously. Each one of the above named people had an impact on me and in some way, large or small, had a hand in making me the person I am today!

I add to that list others who have died...

Thomas Maxwell - my grandfather
Leona Maxwell - my grandmother
Mario Panici - family friend (and like a grandfather)
Bonnie Seaver - my aunt
Stanley Blunt - my husband's grandfather
Evelyn Carter - my husband's great grandmother

All these people deserve to be remembered! Each one was special to me - yes. But, they were special to countless others as well. Most importantly they were (and still are) infinitely special to God!

My goal is to write something about each one of them. My way of saying "Thanks for being just who you are - I love you."