The other day driving home something small but meaningful occured to me. I was all alone in the car with the music going - REALLY LOUD! I was so happy. A moment of freedom. I started down a path of self pity and also self importance. I started to think..."Gee, I never get away...I never go anywhere...look how easily I'm pleased, a little music and a drive and you'd think I won the lotto!..."
Then, I stopped. I stopped dead in my mental tracks. I looked at where I was - literally. Then, I thought better. I thought..."Wow, here I am driving a new car - a suburban...Tim worked so hard for this - he loves us so much...he just handed me the keys and said here you go Kris without any expectations at all...He gets up while we all sleep in the morning and often leaves before we're up...he wears worn out shoes and the same ol' pants and never complains..."
I realized at that moment that although I do so much for my family, I often also do a lot of "poor me-ing" that Tim NEVER does. Sure, I get to do the dirty work of laundry and diapers, but he carry's a burden of responsibility I really can't understand. HE IS the source of strength and perseverance that keeps this family running. I suppose if I were to use a car analogy it'd be like this: Tim provides the gas and I provide the daily maintenance that keep it in running order and together we both have a hand on the wheel steering the whole thing in the proper direction. But without him, we could not be. I love him for that. I love him for his hard work, his friendship, and his humor - especially his humor!
Since the day I met Tim, so long ago at the DQ in Carbondale, Il, he's been taking care of me. He met me at one of the lowest points of my life. Actually, I think it was THE lowest point. But, we found things to laugh about and joke about and soon he became the best friend in the world to me. He still is.
Those who know me, know that Morgan was a beautiful surprise to us. But, this disorder and anxiety of our lives back then never got to Tim. He was unwavering in his dedication to me and our little one. He gave up school and came up north here to work and once again take care of me and now our little one too. He worked long hard hours at Applebees in the kitchen. He worked his ass off! And then worked some more! NOT ONCE did he ever complain or show any kind of resentment towards me or my now growing belly. He WANTED to take care of us!
Then, he enrolled at Gov's State and started school along with work. He'd go to school all day and then work all night. He'd arrive home to our apartment around 2am and then he'd take a shower. Oh, how that greasy kitchen smell stunk!! Then he'd hit the books! He did this for almost three years. In the midst of all this of course was Morgan's birth. How joyful and happy that little apartment was. The brown shag carpet, the musty stairwell, the lack of furniture - none of it mattered to us. We went on laughing and celebrating our family together. I miss it kind of - the simplicity of that life was very humbling and purifying. It made me a better person. I thank God for it all!!
Also, Tim didn't let our circumstances, humble as they were, scare us into a lack of trust in The Almighty and His plans for us. You see, despite the shock and outright discouragement we got from other people, we were open to life. If that was what God planned for us then He was in charge. So, before Tim had finished school we were blessed with another baby - Mary Grace. What a graduation day for Tim. As he walked across that stage to get his diploma his family was there cheering for him. Two little girls were cheering their daddy on and I couldn't have ever loved Tim more than I did at that moment. Not because of the degree, but because of all the sacrifice and hard work I knew had gone into getting it. He did a hell of a lot more to EARN his degree than most average college students I know.
Then, with our focus on God and His plan for our little family we took a leap of faith again. Tim, scrounged together enough money to get us all tickets to Ireland to go on a spiritual pilgrimage of sorts. Tim was a knew convert to the Catholic faith. (oh ya, in between all his working and studying, he went to RCIA classes too!) What a GREAT trip that was. Tim, me and the two girls, and a map of Ireland! We rented a car and Tim drove his little family all over to see the holy places in Ireland! Once again we laughed and celebrated all the while. I ate up every moment and still can remember all the details of that trip like it was yesterday!
We have gone on to buy our first home and completely tear it up and re-do it again. Tim spent much time laying tile and cutting baseboard trim. I spent many a night re-plastering walls and painting, painting, painting. God blessed us again with a baby. This time a boy - Collin. We had a beautiful little home and nice neighbors and weren't too far from mom and dad. Then came another leap of faith.
We moved out here 3 years ago. It was difficult. But I have learned a very important lesson that Tim has been aware of already for years. I'd always say "Tim don't you get lonely? Don't you need friends?" and he'd say "that's why I've got you, Kris. You're my friend." I hated that answer. I was always searching for more...I am very close with mom and dad and mom especially I leaned on hard. Being out here, it is much harder to "lean on" anyone but Tim. I think I needed that. I needed to see that ultimately he IS my closest and dearest friend, and that when push comes to shove that that is ENOUGH.
Obviously I have friends and I still LOVE to talk mom's ear off. But, I've learned to say like Tim "I've got you - you're my friend." That, and also I've learned to call on JESUS a LOT more as well. There's nothing like a long bout of lonliness to get you praying and asking Jesus to help you out! That has been a real good growing experience for me as well.
Tim and I were blessed again with little Monica. Tim is working harder than ever. He puts in a lot of hours at work. It is often a very thankless job. He is naturally a dedicated and loyal employee - a rarity these days. He is very unappreciated. I guess that's what got me thinking the other day in the suburban...he has a thankless job and maybe I should be a little more thankful myself! God has been good to me. God has been so very very good to me.
Tim and I are now expecting baby number 5. They kids jumped up and down in the kitchen and then started running around with their hands in the air screaming like they'd just won the lotto! They are so excited! Tim and I are too. There's some nervousness because of my physical problems, but we believe that God will see us through. Once again Tim is taking care of me. He's not perfect - neither am I, but we see eachother clearly without pretense and we keep on loving eachother. That's what love is all about. I don't pretend you're perfect, but I choose to love you despite your imperfections.
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