Leona

Today I was going through boxes of pictures. In one, I found a couple of envelopes. Inside there were a few letters I'd kept. Some were from the Kairos Retreat I went on and then lead in high school. Others were just some special letters I saved. Two of these letters were from my grandmother.

I began crying even as I simply unfolded them. Seeing her handwriting was enough to bring back the memory of her hands and how they looked holding a pencil or a pen. I flashed back to watching her do crossword puzzles at her kitchen table and looking at her hands, bumpy with blue purple veins, but also soft and browner than mine. I can see those hands doing a lot of things. Peeling potatoes into a dented metal collander or crimping the edge of a pie crust...

Well anyway, I opened the letter and cried as I read these words:

October 5th,1991

Dear Kristan,

Just a few lines to tell you how much I love you and how glad I am to have you for a grand-daughter. I'm not very good at expressing my feelings but I'm sure you know how very much I love you. You have always been a joy to me to have around especially when I'm feeling low-down. You make things seem a lot better for me.

I especially remember times when grandpa was still with us and you would try to cheer me up because he was feeling so bad and he would be cross to me.

Needless to say you are much loved by me and no matter how things turn out for you - I will always love you!

Love and Prayers,
Grandma Maxwell

























I'm actually crying again as I re-write this letter onto the blog...I miss her so terribly!!! I am often at a loss for words to explain how connected I was to this woman. She was so much who and what I wanted to be when I grew up. I knew her life was difficult and far from glamorous. I could see that as a child, and yet I still so wanted to emmulate her.
How I wish I could talk with her now and share my joys and my trials as a wife and mother. How I'd love to laugh with her and cry with her. I never got the chance to look at her eye to eye. I was always just a little girl looking up at her. I'm ashamed that I wasn't more a woman by the time I got to college, so that I could reap the benefits of having a real "grown-up" conversation with her.
But, like college often does, I stayed stuck in my youthful self-centeredness instead of maturing into a full fledged adult! It wasn't until I became a mother myself that I considered all the things I'd have liked to ask her and learn from her. Then, it was too late. She'd already been taken from me.
I do talk to her daily in prayer. I have a picture of the sacred heart on my kitchen window ledge with a picture of her fixed just below Jesus heart. I stand there at my sink and I look up at her there. Once again, I'm looking up at her. I say to her "I love you gram. I miss you. I hope to make you proud." I can't wait to see her again. That is a great motivator for me - Do your best, try not to complain, and love, love, love them all!!