Shining My Halo

** this post has been recently highlighted by use of larger font and color in order to point out my ORIGINAL commentary as a defense for myself...

This past weekend Tim accused me of "shining my halo" to a sickening degree. I must admit there was a little self-flattery and maybe some reaching over shoulder patting of my own back, but NO halo shining!! I have been accused snobbery of the worst kind - holier than thou snobbery! (with a tad bit of intellectual snobbery thrown in as well)

But I protest! Is it so wrong to avoid or dislike contact with others with whom you have nothing in common? Is it so wrong to state these obvious differences and to say that they bother me or cause discomfort? Is it so wrong to say I lack RESPECT for some people and therefore don't particularly want to socialize with them regularly?

Why does this automatically make me a "halo shiner"? In fact, I think it only makes sense that as long as one is kind, friendly,and loving to ALL, that one choose to be with and converse with those who challenge and uplift oneself. I want to be surrounded by people who make me think and grow and who have something to offer me (other than a beer or a Hard Mike's). If this makes me a halo shiner than so be it!

The problem I face with Tim and other as well is that I am often seen as tooting my own horn when I point out these types of differences between myself and let's say another mother who has 2 kids has her hubby "fixed" and then spends her life between shopping, getting her nails done, and recovering from the weekend's hangover. But it is not my own horn that I am tooting. In fact it is the Lord's alone. I am WELL AWARE of my own weaknesses and limitations and that with Jesus I could no none of the things that I do. But when I am faced with the challenge of just grinning and bearing it I often fail. I am NOT one to just "play along" with the social demands of neighborhood living. Rather I choose to separate myself from those I find "beneath" me. These are the types of words that make my husband CRINGE!!!

"Beneath you!!!?" "What a self-righteous halo shiner you are Kristan!!!!" Well, yes. But I do not stand on a pedestal of my own making. I do not look at those "beneath me" with disdain or disgust but rather with loving compassion. Jesus alone is the reason I am a homeschooling mother of soon to be five. Jesus alone is the reason I do not drink until I am wobbly on my feet and brainless. Jesus alone is the reason I do not fear being open to life. Jesus alone is the reason I choose to go to Mass and to pray daily. Jesus alone is the reason I deny myself "stuff" and avoid spoiling myself with salons and spas and the like. Jesus alone is the reason I like to read books which require a dictionary to understand. Jesus alone is why I am who I am and live how I live. All the credit is His!

Those who I avoid or criticize are no weaker, nor more selfish than myself. They simply lack that initial leap of faith required to throw oneself into the arms of God and say to Him "Take me away Lord. I love you. Do with me what You will." For this reason alone they stand "beneath" me. For this reason alone do I roll my eyes when Tim says "Why don't you call so and so or why don't you talk more with so and so? They're so nice..." Yes yes - they're nice! Nice shmice. I just can't bear another conversation about nothing or worse yet another conversation about a boring sex life or how to spend hubby's money without him knowing about it! Blah, blah, blah...

If that makes me a halo shining snob then so be it! I want to live my life for Jesus. If I'm gonna have to bite my tongue and grin and bear it every five minutes in a conversation with somebody than frankly I don't want to be socializing with that somebody very much! Tim thinks this is totally unchristian of me. Is it? I never mistreat or am unkind to these people. I am helpful and friendly as a neighbor should be. What more is required? Must I go the extra mile? The hardest part is that Tim really gets upset by this. I mean it really causes a fight. I can't understand why he can't look at me and say "Ya, I have a great wife. She IS a better woman than so and so and I can understand her lack of enthusiasm to be around ..."

My thinking is that those you socialize with should be able to raise you up to a higher level with their conversation and more importantly by their example. Trust me. The example that is set for me by many of those around me is NOT one Tim would want me to emulate. In fact he'd have a REAL PROBLEM if I started adopting some of the b.s. that these "nice" women pull. I think the crux of it is that I want Tim to recognize me for who I am. I'd like it if he'd put me on a pedestal from to time and pat my back for me and occasionally he'd shine up a little golden halo himself and place it on my head and say "I love you Kris. You are an exceptional woman!"

But alas - I must shine my own halo...