One of the things I most often hear when I am pregnant or have a new little one to care for is "Oh, I'd love to have another baby but (fill in excuse here)...so I'll just have to come over to your house to get my 'baby fix' in...ha ha ha ha" The next thing that I most often hear is...If these "nice" people haven't noticed by now I am the mother of five, I am openly pro-life, I home school my kids, I go to church and talk about my faith openly, I LOVE my husband, I enjoy HIS company above anyone else's, I have a statue of the Blessed Mother in my yard... Stop talking to me like I am an imprisoned idiot who needs SAVING!!!!!!!! I am perfectly HAPPY as I am. I WANT to be with and enjoy the company of my family. I long for evenings ALONE with my husband. I get great satisfaction and happiness from caring for my little people and being "tied" to them 100% I am not some fool who's forgotten that "sex makes babies" and I am certainly not in need of having my eyes opened to the "real fun" life has to offer. I am a woman called by GOD HIMSELF to serrve HIM through service to my family. Mine is a position of HONOR and DIGNITY... God has given you all families of your own... If there is a void you feel deep in your heart, then search your soul for the answer lies there indeed. The comfort, the goodness that is found in my family cannot be absorbed by proximity to us but rather can only be modeled after. That requires sacrifice and work. This is what you are unwilling to commit to.... have huge holes in their hearts and are eternally searching for some way to fill the void.
*** This post has been edited in order to remove all content that may have been previously viewed as uncharitable and hurtful. I have done much reflecting on these points and have therefore decided to self-edit in order to spare feelings and myself from being labeled for lack of a better word a self-righteous JERK!
11 comments:
Our society sucks, doesn't it? Stay at home moms are treated like doing what they do is a "last resort" or "just because they couldn't do anything else", and having kids--especially if you have more than two--is something you "got stuck with" or were "careless about" or some other such crap.
We were at a work picnic a few nights ago, and Matt and I were laughing about how when we got married I swore I'd never have kids, and that if I did, I was waiting 5 years, minimum. Two years later, we have a baby and another one on the way. A well intentioned co-worker of Matt's put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder and said, "Erin, are you really happy?" Like my set of circumstances are so unfortunate that he felt he had to ask me that? I'm just so grossly offended when people act like I got "stuck" getting married young and having kids. And I'm grossly offended at the way people have responded, in large part, to us announcing another pregnancy. This is only #2! I thought I had to get past #3 or 4 before people started saying, "See, that's what you get for being Catholic!"
Sorry Kris, I didn't mean to rant on your blog.
I totally agree with you Kris! I often wonder if people actually listen to what they have coming out of their big mouths! "Oh, I am so glad it's you and not me"?!?!?! Do they even know what that comes across as to me? Hello! To me, it means that they don't like their families or kids! That is so sad!
Sometimes, I feel for my husband. I think people hear about our 4, and automatically think he is an abuser who has me trapped at home and doesn't let me out, instead of the possibility that this is what I chose and what I want to do with my life and what GOD wants me to do with my life. Duh! IT is so basic, and some people will never get it.
Erin - Welcome Aboard "girlfriend"!
Welcome to the world of "are you done yet?" and "how many are you gonna have?"
Most of the time I am able to deal with these things in all charity and humility. As of late (considering I am experiencing both back and leg pain from the baby hitting a nerve or something)I find all this nonsense close to unbearable. Sadly, it's even taken its toll on Tim and I as a unit. It is amazing how "worn down" you begin to feel when the culture NEVER lets up and the daily stresses of family life only increase as you enter the final stretch in a pregnancy. But "this too shall pass" and I will just have to crank my prayer life up a couple of notches...
By the way - CONGRATULATIONS on the new, totally unique, made in the image of God, little person you carry inside you!!! What a GLORIOUS GIFT!!!!!!!!!!! You are BLESSED.....again! God is good.
Marigold
Do you ever feel like you even need to "fake" joy and bliss in those moments when the NORMAL strain of caring for kiddos has taken its toll? At times I feel compelled to "fake" extreme enthusiasm in order to offset the preconceived notions others have about my life and how "unbearable" it must be.
Well, maybe you can just see their offers as THEIR BEST WAY, imperfect as it is, the only way they know how to just reach out in a neighborly way, even if their lifestyles are different than yours. Even if you don't want to join them it seems uncharitable to become angry at invitations. People are coming from very different perspectives and may not understand all of your values just from the outward signs you point to. Of course subtle patronization or suggestions that you are unhappy are intolerable. But this reminds me of the "polishing your own halo" post from below. You are living a very holy life to be sure and you should take comfort and be confident in that, but there are also the Christian values that demand we not only care for our own family but look outside of it to the tax collectors, the lepers, the prostitutes, widows, orphans and all others we may be inclined to judge or be repulsed by. You have been blessed with a loving husband and many healthy children, economic stability, and come from a loving Catholic home yourself. Other people may not be so blessed. If you just pray for God to soften your heart a little, to humble your heart toward your neighbors (Gentiles, Jews, and even Romans, Pharisees, Samaritans and other hated classes!), you may even see ways in which the seemingly ungodly people around you may even be able to teach you something, once in a while! At the same time, you as well as every other creature of God deserve to be loved and told often how special you are, and if that isn't happening regularly I can see how it is easy to feel blue! I wish you continued health and happiness with your family!
Anon. - instead of commenting here I have written a post...
Kris,
Do you ever feel like you even need to "fake" joy and bliss in those moments when the NORMAL strain of caring for kiddos has taken its toll?
Absolutely! The idea that I am not allowed to complain about the stress of a day that happens once in a while because I have chosen this is ridiculous. If I do, well then I get the "this is what YOU chose, remember?" stuff. It is like I don't have a right to have a bad day.
I know a lady who makes sure that she is dressed okay, nothing ratty and has her hair at least done and a bit of makeup on when she goes out with her 5 (I think now) kids to make sure that she gives the impression that this is what she wants and isn't just a harried housewife with unkempt hair and holy clothes. For me, I have days when I am that woman (I always shower, but sometimes the sweats are looking comfy), but I don't go out... :)
As far as anon. goes. I like your blog. I love your rants. Personally, that is why I started a blog. But....my extended family has now found out about my blog and Ican no longer rant there. Can you figure out that they are anti-Catholic and would be the ones for me to rant about? So, I am considering another completely anonymous blog to let out some steam, so to speak. I don't know you well, but from your posts I can gather that you love your family and hubby very much and that you are civil to the neighbors, but choose not to socialize in a social setting with them. I get it. Believe me I do. Here, I also have neighbors, they just keep their distance from me (I think they think we are weird) and that is fine with me. Hubby plays some poker once a month with some guys from the hood, but the ladies....we are civil, not social. But, while being civil, I am also reflecting my faith. They KNOW our faith is important. They see me in my skirt Sunday morning waiting to go to Mass outside poking around while they are gardening and cleaning. They know I never will gossip about anyone. (so I am no fun) And, this is a biggie, around here, I will not participate in making fun of my hubby with the other women. Sigh! Enough of a rant for me! Thanks for letting ME vent.
Marigold
I can relate to the being well dressed and groomed before we go out thing. I also make sure the kiddos are well groomed too! That and the entire ride in the suburban I give them a lecture about how we act in public and why we must put our "best face forward" in these times. "We set the example for all those who see us for what it means to be a BIG family - worse yet in this world's eyes a BIG Catholic family." Sometimes I feel like I put too much pressure on the kiddos to be "perfect" because I fear what others will be thinking..."see that's why I had my tubes tied" etc. when they see and hear some less than ideal behavior from my large brood of kiddos... When we're out - THE PRESSURES ON!! For this reason, we don't go out much. It's really sad. - Kris
Very sorry if I caused offense or hurt any feelings or caused you to think you should edit your post! Certainly didn't mean anything like that, just responding to the questions you posed in your earlier posts as I often feel similar and explore the same feelings within myself. Venting is allowed! I'm sorry an internet passer-by made you feel you had to edit yourself. Will stay out of it from now on as I do very much enjoy your blog and wouldn't want you to change a thing or feel you had to retreat from blogging in any way. Mea culpa.
Anon. Thank you for your comments - they made me stop and think a little about myself. That is a good thing after all. Upon reflection I know that my heart is not filled with judgement but I must admit that often my words are! The Blessed Mother was in a position to feel superior to all other mothers yet I KNOW that SHE NEVER would use the gift of words/language to "rip" others even if her heart was pure...She is the greatest model for me a mother and so I will try to not only have a more humble heart but to express myself with greater humility as well...I'm not making any promises though - I am a loud mouthed, outspoken Irish/Italian girl and old habits are hard to break!!!! :)
and i am a loudmouth myself -- why else would i shoot my mouth off on someone else's blog without the courage to even start my own myself??? all blessings to you and yours!
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