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Rudeness and “breeders” * Bettnet.com: "I have 4 children and I admit that at times I get frazzled. I often wonder if I could handle any more. But I realize that this is a deficiency in me. The fact that I can’t be more patient, more generous, more self-sacrificing are weaknesses on my part that I should strive to overcome. I think that people often make comments like, “I am so done having kids”, because they are trying to justify and make excuses for their shortcomings. The prevailing culture provokes us to be self centered and self indulgent. But at some level, many realize this is wrong. So they need to rationalize their selfishness by saying those who accept more than 1 or 2 kids are the crazy ones. When in reality, true happiness comes from an emptying of oneself in the service of others, whether that be your children or whoever. How many examples of the rich and famous who are lonely and miserable need to be paraded in front of us before we get this?
Posted by Dan Jasmin on 05/8/07 at 03:16 PM"
Posted by Dan Jasmin on 05/8/07 at 03:16 PM"
This reminds me of a very old Oprah show I saw. Oprah had a bunch of women on to talk about one of her books. A Book Club thing. Anyhow one of the women they profiled shared "her story" with Oprah and millions of viewers too!!
What was her story?
She had 2 children but desperately wanted another child. She and her husband were having fertility troubles. It was heartbreaking. She wanted nothing more than to have another baby and it seemed she could not.
She prayed very hard for God to give her this. And God being a good and gracious God - she finally got pregnant!! Hooray! Nine months later she gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Glory be to God. But, what's this? A defect in this miracle of miracles? The baby girl had Downs Syndrome.
Try as she might the mother just "could not love her". I remember these words exactly!!! She actually said that she realized "that I could not love her as she deserved to be loved" Ok so you get help with that right? You try to CORRECT YOUR defect right? This is "a deficiency in me" (as Dan Jasmin puts it so well) should be her response. But it is not.
This mother, decides that what is best for her daughter is to be given away. She puts her daughter up for adoption. She gives her miracle baby way to another woman "who can love her as she deserves to be loved". This other woman has many children with disabilities in her home. Yet, she does not have a husband to help her. (at least not one that they showed on the show)
And how do all the other women on the Book Club panel respond? They APPLAUD her "courage" for recognizing her "weakness" and "limits" and giving her daughter a chance to be loved...Crap! all of it Crap!
This was years ago that I saw this and to this very day it STILL bother me. Why did this woman see the defects in her child but could not see her own? Did she not feel compelled to
search her own souls and ask "Why can I NOT love?" "I must love" "Lord help me to love"
Nope. I'll just remove that stumbling block. I asked for a baby and when I got one I said "Oh never mind God, I've changed my mind" "But thanks anyways."
4 comments:
Hi,
I really like your blog and plan to visit more often. I was watching Oprah this week, and she had an entire show based on "you"! Putting you first in everything, taking care of you first, etc, etc, blah, blah. I just thought it was the most self centered, prideful, show I have ever seen. Usually I don't have her on but maybe once a week, but I do have Dr. Phil on more than that.....I guess you could say that I am pulled to that garbage and have to fight against temptation.
Hi Kris, As a pro-lifer, I am sure you have encountered people who insist that abortion must be available for a woman who cannot cope with a baby. I have, and I have always said that the woman should do the unselfish thing and give the child up for adoption. But if people criticize women, or men, who allow a child to be adopted and call them "selfish", it will make things worse. I have three children whose mothers could have aborted them, but instead they did the UNSELFISH thing and gave them up for adoption. And yes, one was given up by her mother because she was handicapped. Isn't it important how the child feels? My daughter is grateful to her birth mother and prays for her and through the adoption, God placed my daughter in a Catholic homeschooling home and gave her the greatest treasure - her Catholic Faith.
Ellen
I understand where you are coming from. You have received the greatest of all gift that you can receive from another person! I am glad that your daughter is so loved and appreciated...
My point was based on some of the surrounding circumstances of this particular woman. She was (by her own description) happily married to a good man. They were financially stable and their other two were older already than the new baby. This woman wanted a baby "desperately" (her own words) and PRAYED to have one!
These factors and the fact that the woman who her daughter was given to had no husband and many other handicapped children in her home, led me to comment that this mother was being selfish.
I stand by that. Maybe I should say it like this:
At her core she approached her own daughter and her daughter's D.S. with selfishness. But, the act of giving her to another mother who would love her was one self-less act coming from an otherwise selfish woman.
Is that better? Maybe it still sounds too brutal. Maybe I should be more kind and charitable. I DO often have a hard time with judging other harshly. I must work on that. I have not been in this woman's shoes so to speak... Yet, whenever I think of that little baby's face and seeing her in her mother's arms looking up at the mother who carried in her own body for 9 mths....I get angry all over again.
We seem to have become a culture (women specifically) who demand to be "entertained" and "delighted" by our children. They have become the latest "accessory" to complete our "look" like a handbag and a pair of shoes! One boy and one girl and that has becoming the new perfect "set" to have!
We dress them up in cute designer clothing, send them off to school to achieve their "status" and we hope that they get a good job make LOTS of money and we'll call it all a great success!
Well, anyhow you can see I have some deep seated issues with this whole area within our culture I guess it's one of my "butons". This particular story just "pushed those buttons" I guess.
I am sorry if I have seemed too harsh and of sourse I applaud any woman who lovingly gives away her little one to a better home through adoption. - Kris
Hi Kris, thanks for your comments. I did not mean to sound critical of you, I just wanted to suggest you rethink what you said about this woman. If any woman thinks she might be criticized as being selfish for giving a child up for adoption and therefore chooses abortion instead - well, we none of us want that.
I have birth children and adopted children and I confess, I could not imagine giving a child up for adoption. It must be incredibly painful. Most of the women who give a child for adoption are extremely heroic. Occasionally, maybe the motives are not very altruistic, but it is not necessary to comment especially if harm could be caused. As for the single woman who has adopted a number of handicapped children - I don't know anything about her, but in another time and place she might have started a religious order. It is not that easy to adopt and one must suffer intrusion into one's family life by social workers, etc. but I do wish there were more families willing to consider it.
Looking at your blog, I can see that you are a very caring person, but don't forget we are all selfish and fall short, some of us just manage to hide it better than others!
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