Had a major meltdown yesterday. Homeschooling the girls while chasing around Monica and cleaning up after "the mess maker" (otherwise known as "the mischief maker") is a truly thankless job. Most of the time I am easily sustained by a little pair of arms around my neck or an unusually insightful comment from one of my "big girls". But, yesterday there was no stopping it. I had to have a pity party for myself and gosh darn it everybody better darn well attend!
The day ended in an ugly exchange between friends and a tearful woman driving around with a rosary in her hand going no where at all. It occurred to this woman that often the cause of her "burn out" is due to the fact that she does everything with all her heart. She suffers from an overabundance of passion as it were. All this pouring out and pouring out and pouring out can lead to a real need for a "fill up".
Seeking a "fill up" she naturally goes to hubby and demands an immediate and extensive ego boost for all her "beyond the call of duty" accomplishments. Can't anyone understand how self-emptying it is to have 4 little ones, school 2 of them and be pregnant with the 5th? My heart listens to stories without a point, my heart wrestles with "am I teaching well?" - "am I failing my kids?" My heart rages from bruised heads and bad words between brother and sisters. My heart breaks as I wipe up the kitchen floor for the 5th time in an hour. My heart longs for something more as I do the mind numbing tasks of an ordinary housewife - darks, lights, fold, sort, put away...All this done out of love. Love of Tim, love of the kids, and most importantly love of God. But, I had had enough giving and thought it 'bout time to receive...
Duty. That's what's expected of you. That's just what moms do. That was my "fill up". Not quite what I was aiming for. But that's his perspective. That's how he does what he does. And so it occurred to that woman driving going no where that that's the crux of it. Duty vs. Love. Duty is practical, persistent, reliable, trustworthy. Love is passionate, painful, raw, total. Both are good things, good motivators. They force us to get the job done. But it seems to me (That woman) that women generally are motivated by love in all things big and small. From lacing up a pair of shoes, to finding a "favorite" cup, to teaching math and science, to carrying around another little person inside your body, it's all about love. For men, they feel a sense of duty. Duty to work, duty to provide, duty to discipline, duty to protect, duties which need to be honored and done well, to the best of their ability. Now, he feels a sense of duty because he loves his family but each individual act is not filled up with himself. He's not really "pouring his heart" into that shelving system in the garage. He's not really putting all his love into every paycheck and every bill paid. Yes, he does it OUT of love but that's totally different, and not nearly as DRAINING as doing it WITH love in all things great and small.
So, where does that leave me post meltdown? On empty. But not hopeless. If the source of my sorrow is a draining of love than what better solution than to go directly to the source? God is my "fill up". He knows just what I need. I need to be filled with His love so that I can better do His work. The work of a woman is truly to be God's hands and feet. I should therefore not be filled with self-pity and searching for an ego boost. Rather, I should feel glad that He has found me worthy of this womanhood He has called me to. As for my hubby, being a man I guess I seem a strange species to him at times. My meltdowns are a total mystery to him - as it should be I suppose... I will always go to him for everything I need as a woman, and a wife, and a mother, and he will provide it to the best of his ability. But, I have learned that I must go to Him for everything I need as a SOUL, and only He can provide that!
The day ended in an ugly exchange between friends and a tearful woman driving around with a rosary in her hand going no where at all. It occurred to this woman that often the cause of her "burn out" is due to the fact that she does everything with all her heart. She suffers from an overabundance of passion as it were. All this pouring out and pouring out and pouring out can lead to a real need for a "fill up".
Seeking a "fill up" she naturally goes to hubby and demands an immediate and extensive ego boost for all her "beyond the call of duty" accomplishments. Can't anyone understand how self-emptying it is to have 4 little ones, school 2 of them and be pregnant with the 5th? My heart listens to stories without a point, my heart wrestles with "am I teaching well?" - "am I failing my kids?" My heart rages from bruised heads and bad words between brother and sisters. My heart breaks as I wipe up the kitchen floor for the 5th time in an hour. My heart longs for something more as I do the mind numbing tasks of an ordinary housewife - darks, lights, fold, sort, put away...All this done out of love. Love of Tim, love of the kids, and most importantly love of God. But, I had had enough giving and thought it 'bout time to receive...
Duty. That's what's expected of you. That's just what moms do. That was my "fill up". Not quite what I was aiming for. But that's his perspective. That's how he does what he does. And so it occurred to that woman driving going no where that that's the crux of it. Duty vs. Love. Duty is practical, persistent, reliable, trustworthy. Love is passionate, painful, raw, total. Both are good things, good motivators. They force us to get the job done. But it seems to me (That woman) that women generally are motivated by love in all things big and small. From lacing up a pair of shoes, to finding a "favorite" cup, to teaching math and science, to carrying around another little person inside your body, it's all about love. For men, they feel a sense of duty. Duty to work, duty to provide, duty to discipline, duty to protect, duties which need to be honored and done well, to the best of their ability. Now, he feels a sense of duty because he loves his family but each individual act is not filled up with himself. He's not really "pouring his heart" into that shelving system in the garage. He's not really putting all his love into every paycheck and every bill paid. Yes, he does it OUT of love but that's totally different, and not nearly as DRAINING as doing it WITH love in all things great and small.
So, where does that leave me post meltdown? On empty. But not hopeless. If the source of my sorrow is a draining of love than what better solution than to go directly to the source? God is my "fill up". He knows just what I need. I need to be filled with His love so that I can better do His work. The work of a woman is truly to be God's hands and feet. I should therefore not be filled with self-pity and searching for an ego boost. Rather, I should feel glad that He has found me worthy of this womanhood He has called me to. As for my hubby, being a man I guess I seem a strange species to him at times. My meltdowns are a total mystery to him - as it should be I suppose... I will always go to him for everything I need as a woman, and a wife, and a mother, and he will provide it to the best of his ability. But, I have learned that I must go to Him for everything I need as a SOUL, and only He can provide that!
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